BRING IT ON

I second Chloe's emotion: the holidays are MUCH less dread-inducing this third year ... you'd think, after the second go-round was even worse than the first, that we'd be squinching our eyes shut and bracing for the worst. But things have changed.

We're out of the closet to about fifty times more people than we used to be.

All of us have gotten more comfortable with two people splitting off for a little while, and doing different things. He watches football while we go to a lesbian bar. They go to the gym while I visit my mom. That sort of thing.

We've acquired some new hobbies we all like to do together: hiking, for one. We did a little of that before, but now it's A Thing.

There is more open conflict than there used to be -- no more hanging back, for fear that it might be fatal; now we plow right into a fight. Sometimes it's two-on-one. Often it's just between two and the third person has to choose whether to speak up for one or the other, or try hard to stay neutral, or just evacuate the premises. On the one hand, it's scarier than with just two people, because there's the risk of feeling ganged-up-on. On the other hand, if you're feeling wounded by one, you can turn to the other for comfort, even if they don't back your position. Just a long hug and a good cry can do wonders. (Not to mention the age-old practice of Sexual Conflict Resolution.)

I've had a pretty crappy week. Have not been the best of company. But we're about to run off for a major adventure, dragging four teenagers with us and expecting to have an epic time, and I'm as jazzed as I just about ever get. I love these two people so much. So very much. When I give thanks, this is what I'm talking about.

Pass the gravy!

Unhappy mess.

I am an unhappy mess. 

Lately I hate hanging out at Missy and Red’s house when there are normal everyday family things going on, because it makes me feel even more like an outsider than usual (and I usually feel a LOT like an outsider).  I am the elephant in the corner that everyone is afraid to mention.  I imagine their kids are wondering what the heck I am doing there all the time.  It doesn’t help that I practically have to sit on my hands in order to not hug or kiss someone off-handedly, or say something that would blow our cover – which makes me want to be there even less.   Missy and Red are the step-mom and the dad…I am…the Chloe.  I have no role, and it makes me sad.  I don't belong.  No, I don’t want Red to tell them about us – even if he actually WANTED to, his ex-wife is a raging…meanie. She would figure out how to take the kids away or get more money or do something else to make his life a living Hell.

Also, I have been worrying lately about what they say about decision making (whoever "they" are).  You know…that thing about how we keep making the same mistakes over and over again without realizing it?  I have had two ten-year marriages that didn’t work out.  I must be making a mistake. Clearly I can’t be making the SAME mistake this time, but am I making some version of a mistake that I’ve made in the past?  How would I even know what that mistake was?   While Missy and Red are in the Trifecta, their marriage is continuing, their family is stable, their retirement accounts are growing...  Meanwhile, at least to the outside world (which is unbelievably difficult to ignore), it appears as though my life is at a standstill.  I am a middle-aged mother living with a college student in an apartment with paper-thin walls.  I drive a used car that requires constant maintenance, I have a job with no future (or insurance or retirement fund), and I don’t date.  It appears as though I hang out a lot with a married couple who can’t seem to get rid of me.  If the Trifecta doesn’t last, I will be in worse shape than before, because I will be all that...and older.  

Man, am I being a big baby about all of this?

Rumor of Demise Exaggerated

Well, of COURSE the honeymoon is over. Were any of us still honeymooning, this far into any other relationship?

(If anyone actually reads this blog more than once, which seems unlikely, maybe they figured the month-long silence after Chloe's last post actually meant the Trifecta was dissolved. It's not.)

Funny: when Chloe wrote that post, she seemed to think I'd be surprised by it. Nope. It's true that I was unhappy on her account that week, but not because she wanted to spend time alone. It was because she was pretending to be okay when she wasn't, and I knew it, and it hurt my feelings that she thought she needed to insulate me from that. All I wanted (ironically) was for her to up and say the stuff she ended up saying here in the blog. How's that for recursive girl-overprotection-of-someone-else's-feelings?!

Anyway. We got past that. It's still the case that real life is distasteful, much moreso than usual, and it's got the Trifecta in a holding pattern. We aren't spending as much time together as we'd like, it's been too long since our last road trip, the quantity of sex is a fraction of what it was. (Quality is still high.) I've had it up to here with ex-spouses, and I'm even exasperated with everyone else's children.

In fact, right now I'm tired of everybody in the world, except for Chloe and Red. Still like my work, at least the patient care part. Am exasperated by my extended family (they lay on the guilt for not spending more time together, but when we do, they lapse into timeworn criticisms and eye-rolls. Which I don't do in return.) Even some of my friends and colleagues are getting on my nerves lately. Common theme = unreasonable expectations.

What I really feel like doing is repeating what I did 25 years ago, when I picked up and moved across country with a boyfriend, scaling back my attachments to family and friends, visiting them rarely. Of course I made new friends, but for a while my life revolved mostly around my partner, and our warm sweet household. What I wouldn't give to run off to the desert and start a new life with my girlfriend and boyfriend. I'd work halfway normal hours, swim in our long narrow pool for an hour every day, cook all the time, fuck like a volcano.

That.

It wouldn't be a honeymoon. We'd know what we already know, that we're each going to want to have holidays from the other now and then. That there will be stretches of time where we're not all feeling wildly in love. But it wouldn't be a problem, because we wouldn't be trying to steal moments together here and there when other people aren't looking.

Maybe that's the ultimate unreasonable expectation: that a Trifecta can thrive in the middle of one's pre-existing condition.


Desert ... desert ... desert ...

F*CK the Unicorn (and not in the good way).

Ok.  Admittedly, I am in a mood.

I read this:
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/01/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-we-found-our-unicornbut-shes-engaged

I realize I am stuck on the moniker, and this isn't the topic of the article, but who wants the pressure of being "The Unicorn?"

On any given day, I usually appreciate and enjoy Dan Savage's advice.  I really do.  Trust me.  But who wants to be "The Unattainable," or "The Elusive," or the object of the "Dude! You didn't really think you'd ever get a piece of that, AND still keep your wife, did you?!" type of locker room banter.

Maybe some girls do, but not me.  Well, not at MY age anyhow.

All I have ever wanted was to be satisfied, and (dare I say?) happy.  Once in a while, (or ok, often...) some adventure and excitement in my relationship are great and fun.  Why is it so disturbingly rare to be in a happy, long-lasting, committed relationship?  Why is must it be even more rare to find two people to be loved by?  Is there some unimpassioned ruling entity out there that says "threesomes" must be made of hopelessly beautiful people, engaged in short term, fleeting and/or risque encounters?  Are there no other "normal" people out there who crave committed intimacy (with...eek! more than one person?) on a long-term, loving basis?  Please help me discover that someone else has forged this path and can offer advice that will make my daily living situation less...impossible.

We have told our story...we hear stories...but have we ever actually MET anyone?  Not all three of them in the same room at the same time.

Good for all you young, sexy, beautiful, successful twenty- or thirty-somethings, engaged in exciting, fulfilling threesomes.  I can hardly wait to read someday about how perfectly and wonderfully things worked out for you.  And I sincerely hope they do.

Haven't we (meaning "most people," I suppose) all been at some point, ridiculously fanciful and full of beautiful, utopian fantasies of the "dream relationship" occuring during our lifetime?  No one said it would be easy.  Only after one has experienced the excruciating emotions of not only love, but loss, hatred, grief, bliss, dissappointment, betrayal, jealousy, and spite (among all others), have we become whole, and therefore finally capable of experiencing that "dream relationship."  In whatever form it may take.

Wait.  Is it just me?

I am human.  I am no more or less special than anyone else.  I want to feel cared for and loved.  I want to care for and love.  I don't need to be labeled.  Not "The Third" or "The Prize" or (God forbid) "The Unicorn."   I am a human being - trying to be as satisfied as possible during the little time I have left on this earth. 

I would appreciate if you would refer to me and treat me as such.

Thank you.

P.S. - I have truly and sincerely, down to my CORE, fully enjoyed and appreciated all the special treatment and attention I have received over the past two years.  However, it wouldn't be fair to any of us if EACH ONE of us didn't feel that wonderful at any given moment.

NOT for the faint of heart.

For a while now, I have been trying to identify a single thing (or even a list of things) that might be the unspeakable thing that makes the Trifecta impossible.  Everyone tells us it’s impossible – that we don’t stand a chance…shoot, we tell OURSELVES that a lot.  Some people even tell us of similar experiences they’ve had that have failed, and why.  I suppose it’s a defense mechanism of mine…solve the puzzle of what “the thing” is so that I can try to avoid it or prevent it or fix it before it explodes in my face.  This is not for everyone – it is not for the faint of heart.

Well I haven’t quite figured out “the thing” (what am I, a genius?!), but I have narrowed it down to something workable that feels so much less frightening than the deep, dark unknown. 

It turns out that "the thing" isn't a single thing at all, but EVERYTHING.  Everything that I have done, seen, felt, thought, planned for, envisioned, etc. in a traditional M/F relationship has been one way – the way that society taught me, the way that was modeled by my parents and relatives and the way I learned on my own while dating and being married.  I became accustomed to it – expecting certain things, feeling certain ways, it was my norm.  Relationships were two dimensional.  Everything in the Trifecta is so much more intense than what I have spent my whole life learning – it is not “a thing” about the Trifecta that makes it volatile or fragile, it is the intensity level of EVERY SINGLE THING!  We are definitely in 3-D now.  The highs are higher, lows are lower, anger is more harmful, hurt is more painful…it’s like my world is more saturated now.  It can be beautiful, but it can also be excruciating and just downright exhausting. 

I feel like I learned to swim in a heated pool and have accidentally fallen into the ocean.  The idea is the same – I can still swim, but the waves are HUGE!  People drown out here.  There are things here that I don’t even know the names of…that could eat me!

This is not for the faint of heart.  We must be strong.  We must be careful.  We must be ready for anything.  The odds of one person being able to handle such a thing on an ongoing basis seems improbable.  The odds of my accidentally stumbling upon not one, but TWO other people who can do the same, and who want to be with ME?  Please.  That number has a decimal point and a lot of zeros behind it.

The other shoe drops.

It had to happen sometime: recently, like a sudden storm, broke the first wrenching conflict we've had in the whole eight months. It took what was forecast to be a sunny weekend and plunged us into darkness.

I think we are okay, individually and jointly. But it's by no means certain. And the storm laid bare the (obvious but until then unacknowledged) fact that this could all go away in an instant. It would be messier than the end of your average secret relationship, in that Chloe runs my business (which was NOT my idea, rather my partner's, and we've been aiming for an exit strategy all along but not expecting to deploy it for a few months yet), and our families are pretty thoroughly entwined. We can get away with this because, well, women have women friends, right? And when someone's going through a divorce, they go stay at their friend's house a lot, right? (Yeah, there's that happening too.)

Anyway, it's early days to see how this seismic event will affect us. But I'm cautiously optimistic. The Trifecta started out as fun; I don’t think any of us foresaw the tumble of events that have led us to where we are now, and the intensity that would develop as a result. Upheaval was ultimately inevitable.

Each of us three, as it turns out, has demons. These may or may not be fatal. I had such a desperate hunger for affection, earlier in life, that at first I was just plain reckless, and later wound up in two long and awful relationships in a row. I have learned much since then. What I’ve got with Red is healthy. But I notice my anxiety rising when I feel tremors of interpersonal conflict, and I feel that old panic: "do anything to keep from being left behind!" At such a point I recall a Sufi poet, advising me to invite that nasty feeling into the house, and see what it has to tell me.

Of all the things I never imagined, one is this: what if Red wants to call it quits? I’ve known from the start that the odds are against this relationship lasting very long, and I’ve always assumed that if it ended, the reason would be that Chloe walked away. She’s the one at a stark and persisting disadvantage. I guess I might have thought, in a fleeting way, that Red and I could together decide it’s not a going concern. But it never occurred to me to wonder: what if one of the original pair decides they’ve had enough? It goes without saying that Chloe could shut things down unilaterally. But does Red get veto power over what I want? Or do I, over him? Would either of us keep seeing Chloe without the other? These are thoughts so alien I could not think them, could not conceive of them.

These thoughts have now been thought.

It happens all the time, that one person of a pair makes a bad choice. The two go through a crisis: there are spasms of doubt, anger, grief. There may be fear: will we survive this? Will one of us decide it’s a deal-breaker? Now draw the polygon: whose deal gets broken, among three?

A decade ago, someone in my marriage made a bad call. One of us threw in the towel. The other was not willing to let that happen. I had never seen a conflict successfully resolved, in any of my relationships, or anyone else’s. Red convinced me it was possible – not a foregone conclusion, but possible. He was right. I was surprised. Here we are now, with me making the case for taking our time, doing the hard work, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Assuming the best.

Chaos is – as I often tell my patients about certain symptoms – not dangerous in itself. Merely uncomfortable. If we learn to sit with it, it has less power to lay us low. Here I sit.