Missy gets messy.

From a couple of posts over the past nine months, one might think that Chloe had cornered the market on unexpected eruptions of emotion. She has not.

I mentioned recently that I have been surprised to find myself the Least Bothered Person In The Room, through that period of storms. Maybe I jinxed myself: since then, more days than not, I am the one of us who's having the worst day. (Not that it's a contest.)

Several features about the Trifecta have contributed to my discomfort over the past couple of weeks. Mind you, some of the triggers are external events that have nothing to do with us -- but the nature of my response, and the effect that my behavior has had on the threesome, are frankly freaking me out a little.

I take my meds. I'm not in a giant episode of pathologic proportions. It's just, I hate feeling angry or resentful or sad ever at all, and I especially hate it when those feelings burst out at the wrong moment and bring my partners down. I'm usually the sweetness-and-light type, and even when I'm cranky, it tends to be only mild to moderate. There was a while there when Red was uncharacteristically moody (even before the storm), and it did scare me. That got better. Lately, he's "concerned" about me instead, and I think he and Chloe are having secret conversations about just how alarmed they should be.

The answer is, I don't know.

One of my parents was a scary yeller, so I don't yell. Even raising my voice for more than two sentences kind of shocks me -- and I've done it at Red at least three times in the last week. I don't cry unless there's a damn good reason, yet the weeping has overcome me a couple of times this week, at what seem to be trivial provocations.

Maybe it's that we keep shifting and settling into a new equilibrium, only to find that we're not done yet. A little like when your lover turns over in bed, halfway waking you up, then both of you falling back asleep. Except sometimes you don't. And now there are two who can wake me.

I want to scream: why does it have to be MY work that has the only elasticity? Such that if we as a family need more money, the only way to get it is for me to work more hours? Which leaves the other two with all kinds of time together without me, which in theory doesn't make me jealous, because I know they'd rather have me there, and it's not that I don't want her to be with him, or that I don't want him to be with her, it's that *I* want to be with **ANYONE** and that makes me sad and childish and unreasonable and I hate it.

Someone treats Chloe badly at our workplace, and I become enraged. I have less than half of the control over anything that happens there, but I have a thousand times more investment in her happiness than anyone else does. Or than I would have for any other colleague. And she is ridiculously protective of my happiness, sometimes to her detriment. On the one hand, I want her to stay there forever so that I can make her life better and she can make my life better and I can at least get a peek at her almost every day ... and on the other hand, I want her to gain a better opportunity, with something closer to the compensation she deserves, and where each of us is not clouded by our devotion to the other. I want to not have to be so careful around each other while other people are watching. And I can't stand wanting two opposing things so strongly.

All this grimness on my part has been a wet blanket, on the evenings when we three only get to spend an hour or two together after work, and then have to go our separate ways. If I squelch my discontent, I'm disconnected. If I let it show, they both are more blue.

These past four days, the not-just-happy-hour kind, have included a lot of fun. An evening at the ballpark just the three of us, a movie with the kids, a big family dinner with everyone from grandma to auntie to grandkids, a low-key barbecue today. Two of those nights were filled with stay-up-late, sprain-your-privates, super-glue bonding type mindblowing sex. On the downside, I had to work late Friday night, worked half of Saturday, and most of Sunday. Felt sorry for myself almost every minute. But, I come home to find Chloe has fed the kids and put away the dishes. The next I day I come home to find Red has vacuumed the house and is entertaining my ailing mother, whose arrival I missed because of work. The day after that I come home to find that Chloe has shucked the corn and made a new pitcher of tea, and Red has fired up the coals and fixed the kitchen drawers.

I come home.

I come home to find:

I come home to find love.


Somehow I have to either get a grip, or get used to not having a grip. Somehow.

NOT for the faint of heart.

For a while now, I have been trying to identify a single thing (or even a list of things) that might be the unspeakable thing that makes the Trifecta impossible.  Everyone tells us it’s impossible – that we don’t stand a chance…shoot, we tell OURSELVES that a lot.  Some people even tell us of similar experiences they’ve had that have failed, and why.  I suppose it’s a defense mechanism of mine…solve the puzzle of what “the thing” is so that I can try to avoid it or prevent it or fix it before it explodes in my face.  This is not for everyone – it is not for the faint of heart.

Well I haven’t quite figured out “the thing” (what am I, a genius?!), but I have narrowed it down to something workable that feels so much less frightening than the deep, dark unknown. 

It turns out that "the thing" isn't a single thing at all, but EVERYTHING.  Everything that I have done, seen, felt, thought, planned for, envisioned, etc. in a traditional M/F relationship has been one way – the way that society taught me, the way that was modeled by my parents and relatives and the way I learned on my own while dating and being married.  I became accustomed to it – expecting certain things, feeling certain ways, it was my norm.  Relationships were two dimensional.  Everything in the Trifecta is so much more intense than what I have spent my whole life learning – it is not “a thing” about the Trifecta that makes it volatile or fragile, it is the intensity level of EVERY SINGLE THING!  We are definitely in 3-D now.  The highs are higher, lows are lower, anger is more harmful, hurt is more painful…it’s like my world is more saturated now.  It can be beautiful, but it can also be excruciating and just downright exhausting. 

I feel like I learned to swim in a heated pool and have accidentally fallen into the ocean.  The idea is the same – I can still swim, but the waves are HUGE!  People drown out here.  There are things here that I don’t even know the names of…that could eat me!

This is not for the faint of heart.  We must be strong.  We must be careful.  We must be ready for anything.  The odds of one person being able to handle such a thing on an ongoing basis seems improbable.  The odds of my accidentally stumbling upon not one, but TWO other people who can do the same, and who want to be with ME?  Please.  That number has a decimal point and a lot of zeros behind it.

Yeah, baby.

The Trifecta has how been around long enough to have made a baby.

(Don't worry: although both women are of childbearing age, there is no chance of a baby actually happening.)

Point is, we've kept this going for a while ... longer than I could have realistically predicted, even though from the early going I've wanted to make promises, and dream dreams, and imagine us all growing old together.

Chloe wondered what we should name the hypothetical now-gestated-and-birthed baby. I suggested "Triffany". Red went with "Ashley". I think I was laughing so hard at this point, I didn't notice whether Chloe proposed a name.

It has been a volatile few weeks here; a lot of laughter, a few tears, scattered showers of anger, some sighs with rolled-eyes. The other two seem to keep feeling aftershocks of our tremor last month. Me, I'm in the unfamiliar position of Least Bothered Person In The Room. Which makes me the ideal shopper for a king size bed in the upcoming holiday sales! (Red insists we must test out any candidate mattresses together, and although there's no need to excessively embarrass a salesperson, it would be natural to leave them scratching their heads as to which two of us are the couple.) Anyway, while Chloe and Red ponder the implications of whatever there is to ponder, I will scour catalogs and propose testable items. I guess that sorta makes me the guy, this week.

Did I mention that the reason we need a new bed, in addition to the obvious crowding problem, is that we've worn the current one OUT? In a GOOD way??

Yeah, baby!

No, you cannot join us.

Two points to make tonight:

#1 Just because we are a "threesome" and you know it, doesn't mean we are open to "fun" with you. No, you cannot join us. I know it may make you feel less inhibited to be around us because of what you think we are and what we do, but, um no. We do appreciate being "out" to some friends and recognized for what we are by some perceptive strangers, and the notoriety is new to us, but, well, no. We are devoted to each other, and without these particular three individuals, two girls and a guy, there would be no Trifecta. None of us is replaceable, none of us is available, and we don't want to include you in any of our reindeer games. Sorry.

#2 We are in a three-person relationship. We sometimes experience emotions, feelings and sensations rather unlike what occur in a two-person relationship. It is often euphoric and exhilarating. Sometimes it is...not. But new feelings and new experiences both good and bad keep on happening, almost daily, still, 9 months in to this adventure. The important thing is for us to communicate what we feel, when we feel it, even if we do not know where it comes from or why we feel it. It's gonna be new and it's gonna take us by surprise, because we haven't been here before and there is no roadmap. We're traveling together through gingham. There is only each other to rely on, and rely on each other we must. We should be patient and kind when one of us is feeling hurt or angry. We can take turns being the strong one (or ones), and leave no one behind. And we should speak our minds in the moment, even if there is risk of hurting another, or grinding the fun to a halt. We will each of us make mistakes. We will trod on each others feelings. There's six feet here after all...we must make room for all of them to dance. Here we are, together, strong & madly in love. We should talk with each other, about each other (separately and together) and work together to love each other best. We each have unique insights on the other two. The perspective of any two of us on the other is powerful good. We should run our ideas and decisions by each other. When we do, we execute them better. We are three. We can leverage the power of three smart, loving, passionate individuals. I think this is the best way forward. There is potential for long, good life here.

Love,

Red