Out on a limb.

I imagine anyone who's been in bed with two other people at once has had the delicious experience of suddenly realizing: you're not sure who that extremity belongs to.

"Wait - there's a hand there? ANOTHER hand? Wow!"

A fun moment for a girl in a M/F/F triad is figuring out whose it is based on size, texture, and the aforementioned hair quotient.

"Hmm, those are soft lady fingers. Ooh."

But my favorite limb, by far, is the leg. Six legs. SIX of them. I've always loved a leg draped over me, or mine draped over someone else. Nowadays, there are so many intertwined legs it's like leg heaven. Sometimes I walk into the room and see the other four legs, bent in gentle embrace, and it almost makes me faint from joy. At that moment, I feel compelled to tangle myself up in them and just loll around for a while.

Which we have dubbed: THE TRITANGLE.

The boy

Two women and a day job. I sure am tired alot! They takes good care of me, they do, Missy & Chloe. I am grateful. Love them so much, words fail. My life is different now. I am fighting for a future for the three of us. Every day.

I started this. I remember how, it seemed easy at the time. (Don't take that the wrong way, Chloe). I was full to the brim with perfect confidence. I was the biggest baddest motherfucker in the room. I manuvered and manipulated, it was great fun. Now the novelty is worn off, and I am in it for the long haul. Much to do, much work to be done, much to build. We are all working hard. It feels good, to be three, striving towards a common dream. It feels genuine. It feels possible. We are on the frontier, making our own way, no signposts, no direction, no sage advice from travellers come this way afore. We are winging it maximally. Live without a net. I do not know the future, but I know that I am fully committed.

---Red

Running JUST faster than the fastest lion...

"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or gazelle - when the sun comes up, you'd better be running."
-Thomas L. Friedman " (from "The World is Flat: A Brief History of the 21st Century)

The quote actually refers to commerce and globalization.  I know, I know...gratuitous quoting completely out of context, right?  Not really.  In fact, it provides a great parallel to my 'public' romantic life.  I happen to be the um, how do I say..."least professionally developed" (groan) in the relationship.  I consider myself lucky because I don't feel my good name would be ruined, or even damaged very much if people knew what was going on after hours.  But I am acutely concerned over the careers and family life of the two I'm with, because they stand to lose a lot more by being discovered.  In my mind, before we go anywhere, there is a certain amount of consideration I give to how 'natural' I can act and still pull off being just a close family friend - who will be there, and how intuitive and observant are they?   Who do I need to run faster than?  I just need to stay one step ahead of anyone who might catch on...

We have had more than our fair share of giggles while scandalizing bar patrons, neighbors, and TSA screeners (any of whom may or may not have been paying attention) - acting like we don't care what people think, and knowing that if THEY knew how happy we were, they'd be jealous!  But when it comes to friends, coworkers and family...it can be a downer.  After all, they are the important people.

Overwhemingly, the relationship has given me the energy to hit the ground running every morning.  I feel more charged up and strong now than I ever have (Missy and I have dubbed the phenomena our "Wonder Twin Powers")...  The excitement and strength the relationship provides is intoxicating.  The challenge now, it seems, is being sure we're running in the right direction - i.e. not TOWARDS the lion, but away from it. 

Repeat after me:  Today I will control my relationship intoxication and make good decisions.  (That IS what you do when you're in it for the long haul).

Who you callin' straight??

So that out-of-town trip last weekend was to where my oldest friend (from the first days of college) was throwing an insanely cool birthday party for his husband. Of the 16 people present, 10 were officially gay. As Red and I arrived, one of the other six (Tall Guy) greeted us with "Hey, good to see some other straight people here!" Standard banter for this crowd.

Later that night at dinner, we're pouring out yet another round of wine.

Tall Guy: "There ya go - and here's to the straight contingent!"

Me: "Heck yeah!" *clink*

Red: [elbows me in the ribs]

Me: (whispering) "Oh, right - wait, crap! Do I not count?"


Later, Oldest Friend hears this story and cracks up. Red solemnly observes: "We eschew labels." And that much, Dear Reader, is true.

This post is not about "what is my sexual orientation?" ... Not only do I not care what you call me, or what I call myself, I think the question is boring. I am Chloe-and-Red-o-sexual, is all that matters. No: what arrests me about this moment is the issue of Coming Out.

I noted in passing that a couple of months into our intense, jaw-dropping, dizzingly happy and also VERY SECRET relationship, National Coming Out Day came and went. I had no desire to walk through a cardboard closet door on the college plaza, though I did think that was awfully cute back when I first saw it. But I wish - dearly - that we didn't have to hide so hard. From family, friends, co-workers (all of whom think Chloe is wonderful but whose heads would explode if they really knew why we hang out so much).

We three have traveled out of town some, to get away from it all - which of course has the added bonus of a king-sized bed. (We actually went to a hotel seven miles from home one night, just for that part - I mean, even as close as we are, the queen mattress is a little crowded when it comes to sleeping.) It's been divine to squeeze Chloe's knee at the table, see her kiss Red at the next chair, feel her fingertips drifting across the back of my neck, and not worry that an ex-spouse's best friend might report back on the scandal. There are places where we can walk down the street hand-in-hand-in-hand and no one bats an eye. Then we get back to a bar near home a few days later, and at some point as we're talking and laughing Chloe leans over to kiss me, and at the last second we both spring back: shit! We're not allowed to do that here!

I get that part of being not-altogether-straight, now.

And honestly, it's one of the most painful things so far. It keeps me up nights sometimes. I love them both so, so much. I want to wear a little discreet piece of symbolic jewelry, and decorate them with the same. I want to take all our vacations together. I want to live in the same house, yes-in-the-same-room-why-do-you-ask-Mom?

We joke all the time about trading up to the giant California King size bed. But that's only a fraction of the way in which we don't fit.

A Win-Win-Win Situation.

Last night, worn out from the long drive home, and then blissed out from hours and hours of re-connecting with much-missed Chloe, I slept extra deep. Woke abruptly in the wee hours, and for a millisecond was convinced that it was her body pressed against my back. That was disorienting: it's rare that she gets to spend the night at our house, so ... was I in a hotel room? Were we traveling? Had I forgotten what day it was?

In an instant I realized there were actually just two people in the room, and it was the hairier of the bodies I love to be pressed up against that was really there. At home. Red shifted and slept on, as I got up for a drink of water.

On the one hand, I thought, I am the luckiest person alive. Loved by a wonderful man and an amazing woman. It never occurred to me that one could do this thing. On the other hand, it does invite a host of difficult challenges into one's life.

Like for instance: why do restaurant tables only come in rectangles?

This forces an awkward choice. Two on one side, so who is the odd person out? And does Third Person sit opposite the one, or the other? Are we supposed to remember who sat where last time, for fairness' sake? Little round tables are fine, but there's usually not enough room for all the knees.

And also: who rushes to whose defense when an unpleasant moment descends? Ah, thinks the Dear Reader, this is more what I was expecting. This three-some / three-way / triad / trio / thing must be full of unholy alliances, simmering resentments, and pitfalls just waiting to happen.

Well, it seems that when grownups take a deep breath and choose to give this a try, they may just be Paying Attention much more than usual. Because somehow the three of us are managing to take care of each other's needs, and our own, better than we ever did in any of the two-ways we've ever been in.

And did I mention the crazy good sex?

It was the best of times, it was the best of times.

I have been dreaming of this blog for what seems like ages.  The hardest part has been deciding how to actually START - the beginning seems overwhelming, so maybe I'll start with today.

I'm a person who happens to be crazy, madly, wildly in love with two people...who are married...to each other. 

They are gone on a weekend trip with friends, and I am having the most miserable time.  I'm hoping writing will help my heart stop hurting so much.  All I can think about is being with them.  All the time.  I mean literally...probably as often as men think about sex (that's like once every ten seconds, right?)!  Did I mention that I'm a responsible adult?  Yup - 41 years old.  They (I'll call them Missy & Red) are happily married, and I am the third in our triad.  I have never experienced this kind of a relationship before, and it has been unbelievable.

I had so many fears over what might happen when we started down this windy path.  Wouldn't someone always feel left out or neglected?  Could I handle the inevitable drama?  Would they quickly get tired of me and need someone new to keep the excitement going?

As it turns out, I have never experienced LESS drama and jealousy in a relationship.  That surprises even me!  I think we sincerely enjoy making and seeing each other happy (in bed and out), that there is simply no place for drama.  There is an overpowering feeling of balance in the triad that I have never felt in a traditional M/F relationship.  There are now two people I can use as a sounding board to check my opinions and judgement with, and even when our opinions initially differ, the consensus is always better than anything I would have arrived at on my own.

This is more than your everyday threesome (if there ever could be such a thing).  The circumstances under which we met, our shared interests and goals, and how we function in our daily lives makes our situation truly unique.  I used to think that three people in a relationship meant each of us would provide 33.3% towards 100% of the whole, but in reality we each contribute 100%. The benefits of a 300% whole are mindboggling...I feel a strength that I have never felt before in a relationship.  It's a beautiful and wondrous thing.

-Chloe