As tempted as I am to spend this time writing about all the beautiful sunshine and happiness that happened on our recent "family" vacation, the rest of it should be recorded too - in the hopes that someday, somehow, we may look back and laugh.
It has been over a year since the beginning of the Trifecta. In the early times, I assumed that a magical day would come where I would be able to safely look back and say that I had seen it all...experienced ALL of the dark, weird, uncomfortable moments. I (stupidly) hoped that it wouldn't take a year. I would've laughed if anyone had told me back then that it would not only take MORE than a year, but that I might never be happy with some things - important things.
Am I a big baby? Apparently. I suspect that I will always mourn the loss of that childish dream of a single, perfect soul mate. A guilty pleasure of mine is the sappy, predictable romantic comedy, so this is clearly a problem. I suspect I will continue to be sad and feel sorry for myself every time, at the very moment the boy finds the girl he was meant to be with, and they live happily ever after. I know reality. I know the feeling that you've found your soul mate, and then a few years later being miserable and angry and disappointed. I know divorce. I also know bliss. I know that some of the most intensely spectacular moments I have ever had have been within the Trifecta - beautiful moments that I truly believe would be impossible between just two people. Yet I will always mourn the loss of the boy/girl sould mate phenomena.
I have considered the possiblity that maybe THREE people could be soul mates. We have all gone through this-and-that to become the people we are, in the place we are, and that the universe brought us together, and so on and so forth... The death of that theory is in the numbers. The beauty of the soul mate dream (in MY mind, anyhow) is that you can be yourself - the good, the bad and the ugly - with a single other person who will love you despite all of your flaws. That will always be impossible with us, because we will always have to put someone (or everyone) else's feelings first - and we're good at it, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far. It is frustrating how difficult it is for me to relax enough to experience a meltdown and get all boo-hooey and sappy and greedy for love and affection, for fear that someone's feelings will be hurt. I worry "have we left him alone too long? Is he lonely?", or "will her feelings be hurt if we go someplace nice and she's not here?" I have realized that we aren't a glob of three people, but there are two separate one-on-one relationships that I am fortunate enough to have. They will always be in flux though, and I will always need to be concerned about someone being short changed. I want everyone to be happy with me all the time...unrealistic, I know.
