BRING IT ON

I second Chloe's emotion: the holidays are MUCH less dread-inducing this third year ... you'd think, after the second go-round was even worse than the first, that we'd be squinching our eyes shut and bracing for the worst. But things have changed.

We're out of the closet to about fifty times more people than we used to be.

All of us have gotten more comfortable with two people splitting off for a little while, and doing different things. He watches football while we go to a lesbian bar. They go to the gym while I visit my mom. That sort of thing.

We've acquired some new hobbies we all like to do together: hiking, for one. We did a little of that before, but now it's A Thing.

There is more open conflict than there used to be -- no more hanging back, for fear that it might be fatal; now we plow right into a fight. Sometimes it's two-on-one. Often it's just between two and the third person has to choose whether to speak up for one or the other, or try hard to stay neutral, or just evacuate the premises. On the one hand, it's scarier than with just two people, because there's the risk of feeling ganged-up-on. On the other hand, if you're feeling wounded by one, you can turn to the other for comfort, even if they don't back your position. Just a long hug and a good cry can do wonders. (Not to mention the age-old practice of Sexual Conflict Resolution.)

I've had a pretty crappy week. Have not been the best of company. But we're about to run off for a major adventure, dragging four teenagers with us and expecting to have an epic time, and I'm as jazzed as I just about ever get. I love these two people so much. So very much. When I give thanks, this is what I'm talking about.

Pass the gravy!

Giving thanks.

The weather is getting chilly and by the time I leave work each day, it has become dark and foggy...  This time of year always makes me want to curl up on the couch under a fuzzy blanket with a good book.  I have been spending more time inside, cooking and reading and watching old movies.  As Thanksgiving approaches (at lightning speed), we are fortunate to have many people to see and things to do - not the traditional big group holiday gatherings that I grew up knowing, but invitations for smaller, more intimate get-togethers with our closest friends and family.

This year I have a new-found (and unexpected) sense of serenity.  I am thankful for the new friends and family I have made through Missy and Red, who have been so incredibly kind and accepting of me and our new life together.  These friends and family actively choose to stay in contact with us and remind us that they are only a phone call or car-ride away.  I am thankful for the awkward and stressful times the three of us have weathered over the past few years.  The difficult times have brought us closer together and made me more complete as an individual.  I am thankful for the opportunities that seem to present themselves; mostly to me, but to the group as well.  Just when things begin to feel hopeless, when I find myself seeing only closed doors and dead ends...unanticipated possibilities materialize in an extraordinary way that makes me feel the universe is rooting for us.  Lastly, I am most profoundly and humbly thankful for the two most incredible people I have ever had the good fortune to know and love.  Embarking on this journey with Missy and Red has been the single most intelligent decision I couldn't imagine myself making.

(Allow me to go on a brief tangent...)

We reminisce sometimes about what we now refer to as "The Propositioning" - the event that brought us together, and we giggle at the impossibility of it.  Red and I were out to lunch at a bright, loud restaurant full of rowdy kids, business people getting away for a quick bite, and senior citizens out for their daily dose of excitement.  Red (in a way that only he could do) boldly proposed this idea..."Hey, it has been nice getting back in touch with you - you're great!   You know who else is great?  My wife!  Hey, maybe we could all be great together!"  Recent events in my romantic life had seriously shaken everything I believed was true and right about marriage and relationships.  Besides, I felt that kind of bravery should be rewarded!  I said "Well, math was hard in high school and I didn't like it, so I put it off til the very end of college.  Then I discovered that (surprisingly) math wasn't hard anymore!"  So math was hard, then it wasn't.  I figured I could revisit the idea of kissing a girl, even though I didn't like it years ago...  And the rest is history.

I am thankful for karma making an impossible thing possible in my life.  I hope to celebrate this for the rest of my life.

Epiphany #394

Missy and I had a great evening out at a new lesbian restaurant/bar (new, fun thing), and then met a friend of the Trifecta at a gay bar - we felt comfortable at both places, chatted with many people, and everyone was friendly and fun.  No one wondered what our story was.  It felt great to relax and not be on edge wondering what people thought of us.

(Insert epiphany for the slow girl HERE)

Maybe it's so hard for us to find other people practicing poly-fidelity and MAYBE it's so confusing to people, and MAAAAYBE people react to us poorly (on the few occasions that we have actually noticed) because they don't know what the heck is going on, and it takes them off guard?!

When you see two women holding hands, you can probably assume they are lesbians.  Normal.  When you see two men holding hands, you can probably assume they are gay.  Normal.  When you see the Man and the Woman and the Woman holding hands, what can you assume?  Maybe the guy found two hookers?  Maybe they are swingers?  Maybe it's college students performing a sociology experiment and you are on hidden camera?!  You shouldn't ASK them what they're doing or who they are...you think that might be rude, and your wife would probably slap you because she thinks you are a perv for considering the possibility that SHE might agree to participate in a similar venture.

Maybe people are just freaked out because they never see people like us, and they don't know how to react?  It makes them uneasy, and they turn away?  Remember the first time you saw a lady in a wheelchair, or missing a limb, or with skin a different color than yours?  You probably got a funny look on your face and stared at them, or said something insensitive or mean without realizing it.  Maybe that's what people do when they see us.   Maybe folks have done that to OTHER people like us and it made them hide their relationship (and now we can't find them...even through meetup.com)!

Ohhhhhhh.  That does make sense. 

Note to self:  people who don't know you and don't like you are probably just ignorant - stop taking it personally.

Born This Way.

As we've come out of the closet to more and more people over these years, I notice a couple of patterns of reaction. One: Red must be some kind of PIMP DADDY to get two girls on him! Another: Missy must be like the most generous wife EVAR, to share the dude she already had legal claim to. Yet another: Chloe must have magical powers of seduction, and may actually be dangerous. And of course: well, y'all have fun and enjoy it while you can, cuz I tried that [or watched someone try it, etc.] and it never lasts.

Where to begin.

That last one is not really worth wasting breath over. Our Trifecta is a constant exercise in making it up as we go along, with the express goal of having it last forever. We've nailed down another year and a day, and I'm betting on a lot longer than that!

No, what I'm ruminating on today is the tricky business of explaining who we are and how we got to this place, and for that matter, how I understand it myself.

We recently attended our first "poly meetup", which was a pleasant non-hookup-y event in a low-stress venue with some very nice people. We'd been wary of going to any of the groups we learned about early on, because it seemed we might be at risk of sleaze. None of us want people thinking we're looking to expand the triad. So we waited until we came across a group that sounded like it was more family-oriented, not focused on "snuggle parties", and not happening on a Saturday night in a bar. It did feel nice to be among people who are not judgmental, and to hear about some of their experiences. But afterwards we realized: it wasn't clear that any of them were actually in the same boat as us. When we present ourselves as a long-standing three-person relationship, theoretically it could be a V with Red in the middle, or Chloe in the middle, or me in the middle (the default assumption is that the guy is the vertex), or it could be the actual three-way that it is. When we met other three-person groups last week, in some cases it was unclear what their deal was too, but in others it was explicitly "husband and wife plus husband's girlfriend" or vice versa.

I do not know how to describe us, either to new people or existing friends and family, without drawing a diagram:

 Red and Chloe are lovers.

Missy and Red are lovers.

Chloe and Missy are lovers.

By "lovers", yes we mean both physically and emotionally. If you've read much of this blog, you may recall that early on, there was a lot more sexual involvement in the first two cases than in the third -- that has evolved, much to my delight. And when Chloe and I go out just the two of us, people seem to receive us fairly readily as a same-sex couple. But when all three of us are together, the assumption is different.

Dear Reader: How do you imagine that the Trifecta got started? There have been allusions to it over time, but mostly to the effect of "it was Red's idea". When you hear that, what do you imagine? Apparently, the default is "he wanted to sleep with another woman and his wife was cool with that as long as it was a threesome". There is a grain of truth there, but only a grain.

The fact is, I was born bisexual. I realized almost 20 years ago that I'd been wired that way all along: besides having girls show up in my sex dreams and my fantasies, those intense fixations I got on various girls throughout my youth were actually romantic crushes, the same kind as I got on boys (though I couldn't identify them as such because it was too outlandish, too crazy, to be possible). By the time I was able to do so, I was already married (for the first time), and the option of stepping out and experimenting with girls -- never mind a threesome -- was just not on the table. Or so it seemed.

Once I'd been with Red for while, I shared all this with him, and he was not in the least freaked out. For his part, there was also some unfulfilled longing: he simply hadn't been with very many women, and wondered what someone else might be like. (My 20's had been quite lively, so although I was no longer interested in sleeping around, I felt a little sad on his behalf.) That's where it stayed for the longest time. Neither of us wanted to deceive the other, and giving permission to go extracurricular felt uncomfortable, so the feeling was "that ship has sailed, and we're happy sleeping just with each other".

Then a few years ago, an unlikely opportunity arose. There was a woman who was interested in Red, and when he was reluctant to get with her without me present, she agreed to include me ... because Red conveyed, completely truthfully, that I had always wanted to go to bed with a girl and hadn't pursued any opportunity. So this way, everyone gets at least a taste of what they want. Great! It actually was only great briefly, and that's all I have to say about that.

But the next thing that happened was even more remarkable. Red was already friends with Chloe, and I had been in social settings with her a couple of times. They'd had conversations that led Red to think she might be open to a threesome, so he ran it by me and then proposed it to her. (A very entertaining story, if he wants to tell it!) The understanding from the start was that this was to be low-stakes, fun, and if anyone didn't like it well then it's no huge loss.

The rest is history.

The POINT, however, is that we didn't get here because Chloe came along and seduced Red, with me tagging along -- nor because Red wanted to play the field, and convinced me to tag along. My desire to explore being with a girl was at least as big a factor. Far from feeling like the generous cool wife who's willing to share her man, I feel like the luckiest bi girl in the world. Selfish, even, sometimes. I get to have a girlfriend, and keep my husband too?!? That's an embarrassment of riches.

I don't presume to speak for either of my loves when I tell my version of our Creation Story. It's meaningful to me that (a) Red loved me so much that he wanted to help me explore my identity even if it might be scary for both of us, (b) Chloe was so open-minded that even though she'd never had a girlfriend, she was willing to find out what it would be like, and (c) I've grown enough by now that I'm not weirded out by my nature. I can't imagine having only him or only her. I guess that means "poly" is part of how I'm wired too. Long ago I wrote that I don't care about labels: that's true up to a point, but the prouder I get of who we are, the louder I want to rejoice.

"We're here, we're something out of the ordinary if not altogether queer, get used to it!"