Home Alone

There was a time when I didn't like being at Red & Missy's house without them.  After all, I have my own place, it has all of MY stuff - their house was not comfortable to me unless they were there.  As a matter of fact, I felt downright awkward, surrounded by their shag carpet, chilly leather furniture, celery-green walls, and sticky cereal bowls left on the counter from the kids rushing out the door to school.  My apartment is dark and cavey, full of browns and burgundy and my own clutter.  I don't feel guilty cranking up the heat or the air conditioning to extreme levels, and the crusty dishes on the counter were left there by me!

Things have changed.

Kids have been around so infrequently that I have been spending more and more time at Red & Missy's (dog in tow, of course), and the things I was so uncomfortable with have somewhat faded into the background.  Family crises have also helped put things into perspective - nothing like a good ol' health crisis to force you to realize you were WAY too concerned with the color of the walls.

Also, I suppose we have entered that comfortable stage in a relationship where you don't have to fill every moment with conversation, or spend all of your non-work hours together.  Sometimes one or both of them need to be gone in the evening, and occasionally even I have a event that takes me off the couch, and we all survive.  I have learned to enjoy my time there alone.  Old movies and cozy blankets have become close friends.  I can always find popcorn, ice cream, and Doritos in the kitchen, and I love the bunnies in their yard, the sound of the palm trees in the wind, and the chirping birds (my apartment has upstairs gymnast neighbors, and a dumpster nearby - yuck).

The Red/Missy home has become a safe haven  - a place to relax and forget that there's any other place on earth I need to be.  Now if a walk-in closet would magically appear in their bedroom, and another 1500 square feet of floor space in the rest of the house...

Moving Right Along

Well I don't even know how to describe THAT hiatus. 

Usually when I return to this space after a while, it's a cheerful thing. I was hoping this would be the same. Unfortunately, the crisis that drew me away has not resolved neatly. It’s a family member’s illness, more complicated than was immediately obvious; there have been hospitals, doctors, sleepless nights, re-shuffling of which children live where. By this point it’s a matter of adapting to the new normal. So, I can’t just avoid blogging because there’s a Giant Emergency going on. Call it Chronic Mild-To-Moderate Upheaval. I will pick up in a different place and start again.  

(For the Trifecta, there is actually an upside to this saga: one more important person in our lives is in the loop, so the closet is almost obsolete.) 

The challenge is to keep all the focus from being always on the Upheaval, because that skews our sense of what’s important. I try to be mindful, in a moment of decision or anguish: will this matter tomorrow? In a week? In a month? In a year? Five years on? Sometimes even if the answer is “not one bit”, my emotional self does not care. But it’s worth at least checking, in case sanity is an available option. 

Depending on the day of the week, it might be only one of the three of us who has access to sanity. I’m extra grateful lately, for those shining moments.

For example: this year Chloe took matters into her own hands when it came time to find a Valentine’s card. There being only two owls on the cutest card in the store, she carefully fashioned a third owl almost identical to the originals, hanging it upside down on the same branch. Beautiful. To me it reflects how we’re all MacGyvering this whole thing as we go along.

 

BRING IT ON

I second Chloe's emotion: the holidays are MUCH less dread-inducing this third year ... you'd think, after the second go-round was even worse than the first, that we'd be squinching our eyes shut and bracing for the worst. But things have changed.

We're out of the closet to about fifty times more people than we used to be.

All of us have gotten more comfortable with two people splitting off for a little while, and doing different things. He watches football while we go to a lesbian bar. They go to the gym while I visit my mom. That sort of thing.

We've acquired some new hobbies we all like to do together: hiking, for one. We did a little of that before, but now it's A Thing.

There is more open conflict than there used to be -- no more hanging back, for fear that it might be fatal; now we plow right into a fight. Sometimes it's two-on-one. Often it's just between two and the third person has to choose whether to speak up for one or the other, or try hard to stay neutral, or just evacuate the premises. On the one hand, it's scarier than with just two people, because there's the risk of feeling ganged-up-on. On the other hand, if you're feeling wounded by one, you can turn to the other for comfort, even if they don't back your position. Just a long hug and a good cry can do wonders. (Not to mention the age-old practice of Sexual Conflict Resolution.)

I've had a pretty crappy week. Have not been the best of company. But we're about to run off for a major adventure, dragging four teenagers with us and expecting to have an epic time, and I'm as jazzed as I just about ever get. I love these two people so much. So very much. When I give thanks, this is what I'm talking about.

Pass the gravy!

I’ll be the bad guy and admit that the honeymoon seems to be over…

I am reminded that this blog isn’t about just the happy and good times, but the challenges as well. There’s no use hiding the not-so-pretty parts. And in hiding them, we’d only be doing everyone and each other an injustice by making it appear to be all rainbows and sunshine.

I can only speak for myself of course, but this is the longest stretch of nitty-gritty reality that I have felt to date in the Trifecta. There was a while not long ago that these times were fleeting, or at least predictably temporary. This stretch feels never-ending. Work has been challenging , tension and emotions have been in the red zone, money is tight, schedules are hectic, vehicles are breaking down right and left, and the weather and families have been less than cooperative. Isn’t that just the perfect storm.

Lately I have felt burned out on LIFE. All of it. Sleep, peace, and quiet are foremost in my thoughts. I feel like a day or two (or five?) of not speaking or listening or looking anyone in the eye would do me some good. The dishes and laundry can pile up and I won’t feel bad. The TV can stay off in lieu of a mindless novel that I probably won’t remember five minutes after I’m done reading it. I have hardly noticed the stereo being off in my car during my daily commute. THAT is how tired I am of sensory input. Maybe that’s it – I just need a break from my own senses.

Posting my concerns will bring them out in the open (although I think the funk I'm in is obvious to anyone who knows me) and will probably worry Red and Missy. I maintain, however, that times like these will force a relationship thrive or fail. We should not panic or waste too much energy over-analyzing. This time was destined to come, and I think our relationship could potentially crash (or at least fizzle out) without us knowing whether or not we are capable of surviving less-than-happy days. I am not afraid of what is happening, I don't feel like running away, I don't see it as the end of anything - just a time to sit back and live in it, and see what happens at the other end.

I have a selfish streak. I swear I am usually a kind, giving, caring human being. I love others and am perfectly able to maintain long-term relationships. For the most part, I think I get along well with people and enjoy their quirkiness and differences. Sometimes though, if I begin to feel crummy enough, I will not care what other people think. I will not care about anyone or anything other than myself and my problems, no matter how insignificant they seem to other people (hence the selfishness). Caring for ME becomes my top priority. Anything or anyone who tries to help will probably fray my nerves even further, and make me more irritable. Leaving me alone during these times is probably best for everyone.

Understanding this about myself (I feel) is an accomplishment. Explaining it to my partner in a relationship seems like my responsibility. Attempting to help not one, but TWO people understand this and be o.k. with it has been difficult. Needing to be alone sometimes is not me running away from the Trifecta. It's not me hiding from my emotions. In fact, I see it as retreating to my corner to deal with my issues in my own time and way, without inflicting my mood on anyone else.

Missy and Red will have either similar or different ways of dealing with the end of the honeymoon (or maybe they already have, and I handled it beautifully? haha). I will do my best to understand and respect their needs as we move forward into whatever new phase happens to present itself... Conquering the end of the honeymoon should be celebrated! It means we are all returning to our normal selves and getting back to baseline, and are still all doing just fine. This is normal. It is good.

p.s. - searching Google for a "Three-person honeymoon" picture - I found THIS...   If that ain't foreboding...haha

F*CK the Unicorn (and not in the good way).

Ok.  Admittedly, I am in a mood.

I read this:
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/01/30/sl-letter-of-the-day-we-found-our-unicornbut-shes-engaged

I realize I am stuck on the moniker, and this isn't the topic of the article, but who wants the pressure of being "The Unicorn?"

On any given day, I usually appreciate and enjoy Dan Savage's advice.  I really do.  Trust me.  But who wants to be "The Unattainable," or "The Elusive," or the object of the "Dude! You didn't really think you'd ever get a piece of that, AND still keep your wife, did you?!" type of locker room banter.

Maybe some girls do, but not me.  Well, not at MY age anyhow.

All I have ever wanted was to be satisfied, and (dare I say?) happy.  Once in a while, (or ok, often...) some adventure and excitement in my relationship are great and fun.  Why is it so disturbingly rare to be in a happy, long-lasting, committed relationship?  Why is must it be even more rare to find two people to be loved by?  Is there some unimpassioned ruling entity out there that says "threesomes" must be made of hopelessly beautiful people, engaged in short term, fleeting and/or risque encounters?  Are there no other "normal" people out there who crave committed intimacy (with...eek! more than one person?) on a long-term, loving basis?  Please help me discover that someone else has forged this path and can offer advice that will make my daily living situation less...impossible.

We have told our story...we hear stories...but have we ever actually MET anyone?  Not all three of them in the same room at the same time.

Good for all you young, sexy, beautiful, successful twenty- or thirty-somethings, engaged in exciting, fulfilling threesomes.  I can hardly wait to read someday about how perfectly and wonderfully things worked out for you.  And I sincerely hope they do.

Haven't we (meaning "most people," I suppose) all been at some point, ridiculously fanciful and full of beautiful, utopian fantasies of the "dream relationship" occuring during our lifetime?  No one said it would be easy.  Only after one has experienced the excruciating emotions of not only love, but loss, hatred, grief, bliss, dissappointment, betrayal, jealousy, and spite (among all others), have we become whole, and therefore finally capable of experiencing that "dream relationship."  In whatever form it may take.

Wait.  Is it just me?

I am human.  I am no more or less special than anyone else.  I want to feel cared for and loved.  I want to care for and love.  I don't need to be labeled.  Not "The Third" or "The Prize" or (God forbid) "The Unicorn."   I am a human being - trying to be as satisfied as possible during the little time I have left on this earth. 

I would appreciate if you would refer to me and treat me as such.

Thank you.

P.S. - I have truly and sincerely, down to my CORE, fully enjoyed and appreciated all the special treatment and attention I have received over the past two years.  However, it wouldn't be fair to any of us if EACH ONE of us didn't feel that wonderful at any given moment.