V is for Vertex

Long long ago, in a Trifecta newly born, it felt to me like we were in a mostly-constant state of emotional triangle, and sexual mostly-V. With Red at the vertex. Not that this is news to any faithful reader -- back in the early posts, we observed how there were three relationships, no wait actually FOUR, and the bonds were very strong on each axis of the triangle, etc. ... and at the same time how Chloe and I were just starting to learn about how to be intimate. We still feel kind of like newbies (each of us more or less so at different times), but we're waaaaay more comfortable with the girl-girl lovin' than we used to be.

Over time, I realized that the emotional triangle varies a LOT.

Any two of us might feel closer to each other than the third does to either, and the distance might get prettttty long between any two points. And then shorten up, all of a sudden. Hard to predict. Sometimes, it feels downright equilateral.

Meanwhile the sex -- which has, under the strain of family illness as previously mentioned, been way way way down in frequency -- has been looking more V-like. I dunno whether those two things are related, but there they are. A nice piece is, any jealousy about who does what / with whom / when has pretty much evaporated. So I don't mind at all if Red and Chloe get it on when I'm not around, or when I'm asleep (OK maybe I'm mildly perturbed if it's preventing me from sleeping when I want to, but sometimes I actually don't wake up). This seems to be true all round. Sometimes we find ourselves in what was originally the default scenario, where two people are doin' stuff and the third gets credited with an assist. But mostly, these days, it's Chloe-and-Red or Chloe-and-me. Look at that! Chloe has become the vertex.

I'm still turned on by Red (and him by me, as far as I can tell). And though times are tough in other arenas, I don't feel any less emotionally close to him. Just ... the emotions and the bodies sometimes configure independently. And that feels just fine to me.

Hey diddle diddle, who's in the middle??

Every couple has probably encountered the issue of who more easily gets overheated at night, who has icy feet, hogs the covers, snores, thrashes, talks in their sleep, etc.

Now add another human to the mattress.

In addition to the usual, you have to figure out who's going to be in the middle. Now, in general, I love the middle, and early on I always wanted to be there. But so did Red, and this led to more than one harrumphy moment. Chloe tends to get uncomfortably hot, so wants to be able to throw a leg out from under the covers. I tend to feel chilly, so I want to cocoon up. Red likes three pillows, one to put on top of his head (HOW does he not feel SUFFOCATED?!), while I like one firm or two smushy. That means if there's a rotation of person-positions overnight, there might also need to be a pillow-shuffle. Come morning, only one of us actually knows how to turn off the alarm clock over on the left-hand side (don't get me started). And finally, I am by far the lightest sleeper. So if either of the other two snores, or thrashes, or has imaginary conversations (Chloe is so CUTE when she does that), or forgets to turn their phone all the way silent, I get waked up and might not fall back asleep easily. You can see how this would be a giant pain.

So.

After a year of overcrowding, we upgraded from a queen size bed to a California King. This did help, but still the Middle Kingdom is contested. By default it belongs to Red; he likes it there, and he's the soundest sleeper, and doesn't tend to get overheated. But if he goes spoony, it has to be toward either one girl or the other, and the remaining girl might feel left out. Plus I like the super-snuggled sensation, so if it's a night when I don't have to get up early the next morning, I'll lobby for that. (Or scooch over and steal it when he gets up for a moment.) Every so often Chloe winds up there, and sometimes I get surprised when it's her soft skin I reach over and find next to me.

I suspect this will be an ongoing issue for the Trifecta. Gotta say: it's a good problem to have. Means we're all in one place, which is the happiest place on earth.

Still here...

I have been reminded recently that we haven't kept the blog up very well this year...  We have been distracted with work and family, and frankly have settled in to day to day living in a way that just doesn't have enough drama to be posting about as often!

So what has been going on with us?  We've been trying to figure out (for a LONG time) how we can live together without coming out to the two younger kids (their mom is the ex-wife and a big meanie).  I'm not happy in my apartment, but still need to house my daughter, who is a full-time college student.  She was against living with us at the beginning, saying "it would just be too weird, mom," but has since spent enough time in family situations with us (and hates the apartment enough now) that she has become more comfortable with the idea.  The Trifecta has one bed, so in order not to be out with the two younger kids (who are there every other weekend and every Wednesday), I would need my own bedroom.  They each have their own room and my daughter would need her own room...sheesh...that's a five-bedroom house.  The coordination required to find a big house to rent, finding a renter for Missy & Red's three-bedroom house, at the same time the lease runs out on my apartment?  Nearly impossible, and prohibitively expensive.  It is a work in progress.

We enjoyed the first season of "Married and Dating" - the Showtime television series.  Our relationship is not like any on the show, but I appreciate that it's exposing people to the poly lifestyle.  We have been more active in trying to meet other families like ours (to share ideas and commiserate), and are meeting with a group in a couple of weeks - I'll have to update you on how that goes.

What else?  Missy and I attended the Pride Parade & Festival a few months ago - that's always fun.  My daughter was the designated driver for the event, and Missy gave her $20's along the way as hush money, which was brilliant!  "Here's a twenty for not telling anyone how silly we're being...here's a twenty for not laughing at us until you're out of earshot...here's a twenty for pretending we aren't drinking/dancing/giggling too much...here's a twenty to forget our silliness IMMEDIATELY...and here's a final twenty for not reminding us tomorrow of how silly we've been acting today (because we probably won't remember)!"  We also went to a local, smaller Pride Festival a few days ago and enjoyed it very much.  We were introduced to several organizations that will help us volunteer our time for and spend our money at businesses that value equality.   Every little bit helps - maybe someday I will be able to get health benefits and have a wedding and not need hide who I am to people.

Missy's "Year and a Day" sweetness was wonderful.  I have no idea what Red thinks of it, because he only has two feelings (he said it, not me), but it has made things feel more tangible and lasting in my mind.  I can't explain how, but it's nice to have something other than an open ended "we're together" type of relationship.  My feelings about commitment have become rather battered over bad relationships & divorces, and I have become jaded against something that has ALWAYS led to disappointment in my life.  But this feels different.  I'm hoping that in that "different-ness" I will find something that actually works for me and feels great along the way.

In closing, my sincere hope is that people reading our blog are able to see through the drama and (sometimes) bad writing, and will have a sense of our true feelings - feelings that this relationship is a good and lasting one, worth the trouble it causes, and worth the extra work it takes to nourish it.

Unhappy mess.

I am an unhappy mess. 

Lately I hate hanging out at Missy and Red’s house when there are normal everyday family things going on, because it makes me feel even more like an outsider than usual (and I usually feel a LOT like an outsider).  I am the elephant in the corner that everyone is afraid to mention.  I imagine their kids are wondering what the heck I am doing there all the time.  It doesn’t help that I practically have to sit on my hands in order to not hug or kiss someone off-handedly, or say something that would blow our cover – which makes me want to be there even less.   Missy and Red are the step-mom and the dad…I am…the Chloe.  I have no role, and it makes me sad.  I don't belong.  No, I don’t want Red to tell them about us – even if he actually WANTED to, his ex-wife is a raging…meanie. She would figure out how to take the kids away or get more money or do something else to make his life a living Hell.

Also, I have been worrying lately about what they say about decision making (whoever "they" are).  You know…that thing about how we keep making the same mistakes over and over again without realizing it?  I have had two ten-year marriages that didn’t work out.  I must be making a mistake. Clearly I can’t be making the SAME mistake this time, but am I making some version of a mistake that I’ve made in the past?  How would I even know what that mistake was?   While Missy and Red are in the Trifecta, their marriage is continuing, their family is stable, their retirement accounts are growing...  Meanwhile, at least to the outside world (which is unbelievably difficult to ignore), it appears as though my life is at a standstill.  I am a middle-aged mother living with a college student in an apartment with paper-thin walls.  I drive a used car that requires constant maintenance, I have a job with no future (or insurance or retirement fund), and I don’t date.  It appears as though I hang out a lot with a married couple who can’t seem to get rid of me.  If the Trifecta doesn’t last, I will be in worse shape than before, because I will be all that...and older.  

Man, am I being a big baby about all of this?

Dreamgirl, and boy.

I love how each of them sleeps.

I've never been a great sleeper; takes me a while to get there, and I wake up easily. With any new lover, it takes a while for me to get used to how they turn over in their sleep, how much of the covers they pull over themselves, how much real estate they tend to occupy in the bed. Red has adapted to me, too: he likes to put a pillow over his head, so he doesn't hear things like cell phones buzzing. He learned years ago to make sure they don't, when I'm sleeping, because I jolt awake at the slightest sound.

The first few nights that we were blessed to have Chloe sleep in our bed -- actually sleep -- none of us really got much shut-eye. There's the whole who's-in-the-middle thing (some people find it too hot, or the extra-arm problem is too unwieldy), and how much space is there, and oops we're having sex again? Eventually we've gotten more comfortable, and more able to ignore each other's shifting and sighing.

Still, I'm usually the one who gets to watch each of them fall asleep.

Red has always been pretty quick to drift off, unless something's rattling around in his brain and making him fidgety, which isn't very often. Chloe, I'm finding, is often even quicker. (Hm, her orgasms are speedier than mine too. Correlation? Sounds like a research study that needs doing!) As with orgasms, I can tell when she's about to fall asleep because her breathing changes. I mean, that's true for everyone of course, but I get to hear it and feel it ... and if there's any light, I get to see her face fall into this angelic form that just makes me melt. Red, he gets this boyish face when he sleeps, that makes me want to cradle his head and let him sleep as long as he can stand it, just so I can watch.

On workdays, Red is typically the first one out the door. He has to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, painfully early really. Sometimes I'm up at the same hour, sometimes I steal a little more rest. Not usually sleep, but at least rest. This morning I got to slide over next to Chloe, apologize for waking her up, and glue myself to her warm, smooth side while she clasped my fingers and said "it's fine". And it was. Within three breaths she was sleeping again, angel style, early sunlight filtering through her beautiful hair. I almost cried. Instead I actually dozed, and dreamed, and though I hated the alarm a half hour later, I knew when I kissed her and slipped out of bed she would go right back to sleep and would indeed be fine.

My cup runneth over, too.