My parents visited us this past weekend. I had told them who we are and what were up to over the phone a few weeks prior. They came and saw for themselves. My mom was quite understanding, all considering. She and I are close, and I couldn't stand the thought of hiding something from her so important in my life. Her concern, of course, was that no one get hurt. They did meet & like Chloe, which they should, because she is a sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, funny woman. My mom wanted to know that this was not an experiment, or a temporary arrangement. I told her that it was not. And Dad, well, he's open-minded, and if it looks good to mom, it will look good to dad.
What makes me think that we have a chance at staying together for the long term? I'll give you two examples, just from today. First, Chloe is away from us for a few days. And by that I mean she isn't staying over for a few days. The collective feeling of us missing each other is palpable. And I don't mean that I miss Chloe, and Missy misses Chloe, or vice versa. I mean that we miss us. That none of us feels complete without both of the others. And each of us, missing the whole, it feels natural, like, of course we miss us, how else would we possibly feel? We are a whole, incomplete without all three of us--we all feel it whenever we are apart. Second, we can talk about the difficult stuff. The practical problems of living our lives in this modern world. None of us is rich. We all have to work. There is money stress--something which can be quite corrosive in any relationship. But we can and do talk about it, all three of us. Not that it is the most pleasant thing to be doing, but that is precisely my point. We are not simply using each other as an escape from other problems in our lives. We are talking about the details of how to make ends meet. We are talking about the hard parts. And no one is running away screaming. That suggests to me that the foundation of love we have is quite strong. Our fates are tied. We are committed. We will all work hard, harder perhaps than any of us ever has, to make us work. To stay together. And so I am optimistic about our chances.
Let me now change the subject. When we started our relationship, and this blog, we knew nothing about any polyamory resources on the web, or books, or whatnot. We were blazing our own trail, in our own way, ignorant of what others have reported. But since that time, we have done a bit of research here and there. We've read what some others have wrote. I know who Deborah Anapol is now. There are some good insights out there. We fall firmly into the "we did not seek out polyamory, polyamory found us" category. But, we don't feel like we are anything special. We are just three ordinary people, who took a chance at an unusual relationship, willing to see where it went. We're not running away from anything. We don't have a history of chaotic lives. But we do love each other, and we do love the fact of us.
I love you Missy, I love you Chloe! Thank you both so much for what you give me!
---Red
I was so grouchy during that conversation. I seem to recall each of us doing some glaring at one or more of the others here and there. "Yes, ma'am, I think I *will* have another margarita actually." Some sighing. And when we had to finally leave, after hugs and handclasps and the little kisses we allow ourselves out in the world, I wanted to weep.
ReplyDeleteBut I knew we'd wake up today still loving each other, wanting each other. And I was surprised and pleased to read that Red was feeling so warm about "us". Yep, I didn't go looking for this. But I sure as hell am welded to each of them. And all of us. Can't wait for the desert getaway coming up soon...
I am in the foreign position of not knowing how these conversations went down before I came along. I'm never sure whether the tone of voice I'm hearing is frustration, anger, exasperation...or what, and whether it's anything to be concerned about. I'm afraid to interfere, but do understand the importance of discussing the difficult things.
ReplyDeleteI felt about five years old for a good portion of the difficult conversation, like a kid whose parents were quarreling. I was squirming and looking away, and not really knowing what to say. I suppose the best I can do is to strive to contribute in whatever way I can and hope for the best.
Every awkward moment is a step closer to normalcy, right? And if ever any two people were worth the effort, it is these two.
I sure *hope* every awkward moment is a step closer to normalcy! What's foreign for me is (a) having an audience for any tense exchanges with Red, and (b) finding that I handle them differently as a consequence. It's uncomfortable, and moreso when I know Cloe feels uncomfortable. But I think I work harder at being clear, and not using the shorthand that spouses get so accustomed to, because I know Chloe isn't sure of the landscape. Since Red and I are both pretty mellow most of the time, does this sharp tone signify
ReplyDeleteDefCon 4? Or is it a healthy sign of conflict resolution happening?
Chloe did a great job of expressing her unease and yet tolerating it anyway, and we other two tried to address it toward the end. Bringing the conversation to a three-way equilibrium, if you will.
I don't know if that's working for everyone, but based on how much lovin' has followed, I'm optimistic...