What she said.

"Justice inclines her scales such that wisdom comes at the price of suffering." -Aeschylus

So, yeah, this wasn't a new sentiment by the time the Greeks wrote it down. Maybe Aeschylus had a drink with Confucius.

Anyway I'm with Chloe: this "gaining wisdom through pain" business is for the birds. To be fair, there is more than just pain lately: there have been some joyful moments, and as recently as two weeks ago we had most of a day-and-night of just us. But the last stretch of more than 24 hours when none of us was at work and no one else was with us -- a true Trifecta break -- was a month ago, and the interim has been difficult. Especially challenging is the vacation we're on now: in a remote cold place, in a small house with few rooms, with lots of family. Not much chance to get away, talk, process the new and old issues in our heads. Certainly no chance for sex. Not even more innocent intimacy. Red's parents are cool with our arrangement, but there are children present too, and they must be insulated absolutely. Not so young that clues would go over their heads, yet not old enough to understand, they are developmentally in a pretty black-and-white place. Confusion would be harmful. Plus, a vindictive other parent could make all of our lives hell. We have to be restrained, and we are. But it costs. Oh, it costs.

When I realized the other night just how crushing it was for Chloe to see an ordinary expression of affection between me and Red and to think she will never have that ... it killed me. On the one hand, of course that "never" is not true. Eventually this will change. Eventually all of our close family and friends will be in the loop, and if they can't handle it, they may choose to be less close. I will not purposely push anyone away. But I will not ask Chloe to live as a second-hand citizen in my intimate life. It is not fair -- okay, life is not fair, but it is not at all equitable -- to expect her to be the one who's always left out in the cold.

Cold, sometimes, can be just the thing, though:




Yesterday we took a walk in the woods in the snow, just to get outside and clear our heads and have a few minutes to ourselves. It was bracing. And restorative. We saw deer (it looked as though the buck was actually annoyed with the fawn ahead of him, like "hey, slow the heck down, can't you see there are people over there?!? Sheesh, teenagers.") We saw perfect round flat frozen mushrooms. We spent a moment, just a moment, kissing in the cradle of a creekbed. And we documented the occasion by photographing our feet. That's a Chloe thing.

I love her so much. Have I mentioned that? I love her, and us, so much.

Yes, dear reader, there is drama. We haven't even touched on all of it -- there is all manner of potential impropriety, anguished moments between me and Red when Chloe isn't there, ongoing getting-accustomed-to us girls' evolving sexual identity.

Most of all, there is fear of the uncertain. The fuzzy unclarity of what's to come. But here is where high school honors English comes in handy. The second half of the quote above goes as follows:

"But as for the future, that you shall know when it occurs; till then, leave it be -- it is just as someone weeping ahead of time. Clear it will come, together with the light of dawn." -Aeschylus

Hear that, universe? I'm ready and waiting.

Gaining wisdom the hard way...as usual.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.    -Confucius

I feel like I'm accidentally on my way to being the wisest person in the history of mankind.  I imagine there is an alarm somewhere in the universe that goes off when it senses I'm happy and comfortable for too long a stretch of time...at which point some new and different type of anguish is rudely injected into my life.


Don't get me wrong - I dislike people who sulk and complain and wait for others to cheer them up.  I know how ridiculously fortunate I am, and I also realize that I (and only I) have the power to change the things in my life that I don't like.  But every once in a while I'm blindsided.


Let the sulking and complaining commence.


Sadly, since I'm the third and Missy & Red are married, I will always be the one who (in public, at least) can't just walk up and hug either of them, or sit on the couch and snuggle up, or give a passing kiss on the way down the hall...  I'm an adult.  I have good judgement.  I appreciate the value of muddling through some less-than-perfect to get to the insanely awesome.  But in weaker moments when I need a little affection or attention or just to be able to say what's on my mind, I feel stuck out in the cold. 


No matter where we are or who we're around, Red & Missy never have to think twice about the affection they show one another.  To others, their behavior (good, bad, whatever) is always normal married people behavior.  But our friends, family and co-workers who know me only as their friend would absolutely FREAK OUT if I acted that way with either of them.  A hug that lasts a second too long, or too many hugs, or a hug for no particular reason would draw attention.  There is no hand holding or back rubbing or squeezing of a knee in my world unless we are alone or with people who know (although we do our fair share of pushing the limits). 


So I'm left mourning the loss of being in a "normal" relationship where nobody would think twice about seeing me walk up behind the person I love while they're doing the dishes and kiss the back of their neck or put my arms around them for a hug or an "I love you."  I can't call them "baby" or "sweetie" or use too much of that lovey-dovey tone of voice.  There shouldn't be too much giggly behavior or whispering or closeness and no hand-holding or butt-swatting, either.   What about when I need a more-than-just-friends kind of hug?  Nothing.


Who chooses THAT?  Me.


Well...at least I'm becoming wise, right?

Anyone? Bueller?

The reader may recall Red mentioning that we fell into this triad without planning to - yes, we considered the pros and cons of inviting Chloe to play before it happened, so no, it wasn't impulsive. But we had no idea it would turn into a Relationship.

(If anyone is interested in the details of how that initial kickoff happened, it's a pretty interesting story.*)

Since we are therefore new to the world of Alternative Lifestyles (heh), we have been looking around for other people's experiences. And yes, the links posted over there to the right have been interesting and helpful, as have various other tidbits online.

Of the couple of friends we've told, none have had anything quite like this experience in their lives. Some have had brief or even recurring three-way encounters which were rewarding and non-icky. But nothing that became so important, or so stable, as the Trifecta. Others have had an epic night here and there, when they were twenty, or drunk, or both. That doesn't apply to us either. Stories I read online are often about people who have more fluid, open relationships, with more characters entering and leaving the stage. Or they are written by people whose attempts at three-way love have failed, and left them miserable. That's not us, I hope.

In the parlance of the poly community, I guess we are a "closed triad". An equilateral triangle of love, and of sexual intimacy. (There are interesting* - rather subtle - asymmetries in the "having sex" department, but I'd say the sexual energy is pretty much evenly distributed.) None of us sees other people outside the triangle (good lord, how would one find the time, never mind the mental and emotional fuel??) ... and we anticipate being like this for the indefinite future. That puts us in an apparently tiny corner of the already-tiny polyamorous world. Not unique, by any means, but fairly rare.

So here's my point: we know there are people reading this blog. We are delighted to have one follower (hi!), and hope to have more. Not for fame or fortune, but because we're here to share. Meanwhile there's this cavernous echoing silence, us talking and presumably you listening, but lurking. I would be really interested to hear whether you've brushed up against any similar stories, either in your own lives or those of friends or family; I would be open to answering questions about our story as well.


*(But somebody has to ask.)

Enduring Love

My parents visited us this past weekend. I had told them who we are and what were up to over the phone a few weeks prior. They came and saw for themselves. My mom was quite understanding, all considering. She and I are close, and I couldn't stand the thought of hiding something from her so important in my life. Her concern, of course, was that no one get hurt. They did meet & like Chloe, which they should, because she is a sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, funny woman. My mom wanted to know that this was not an experiment, or a temporary arrangement. I told her that it was not. And Dad, well, he's open-minded, and if it looks good to mom, it will look good to dad.





What makes me think that we have a chance at staying together for the long term? I'll give you two examples, just from today. First, Chloe is away from us for a few days. And by that I mean she isn't staying over for a few days. The collective feeling of us missing each other is palpable. And I don't mean that I miss Chloe, and Missy misses Chloe, or vice versa. I mean that we miss us. That none of us feels complete without both of the others. And each of us, missing the whole, it feels natural, like, of course we miss us, how else would we possibly feel? We are a whole, incomplete without all three of us--we all feel it whenever we are apart. Second, we can talk about the difficult stuff. The practical problems of living our lives in this modern world. None of us is rich. We all have to work. There is money stress--something which can be quite corrosive in any relationship. But we can and do talk about it, all three of us. Not that it is the most pleasant thing to be doing, but that is precisely my point. We are not simply using each other as an escape from other problems in our lives. We are talking about the details of how to make ends meet. We are talking about the hard parts. And no one is running away screaming. That suggests to me that the foundation of love we have is quite strong. Our fates are tied. We are committed. We will all work hard, harder perhaps than any of us ever has, to make us work. To stay together. And so I am optimistic about our chances.



Let me now change the subject. When we started our relationship, and this blog, we knew nothing about any polyamory resources on the web, or books, or whatnot. We were blazing our own trail, in our own way, ignorant of what others have reported. But since that time, we have done a bit of research here and there. We've read what some others have wrote. I know who Deborah Anapol is now. There are some good insights out there. We fall firmly into the "we did not seek out polyamory, polyamory found us" category. But, we don't feel like we are anything special. We are just three ordinary people, who took a chance at an unusual relationship, willing to see where it went. We're not running away from anything. We don't have a history of chaotic lives. But we do love each other, and we do love the fact of us.





I love you Missy, I love you Chloe! Thank you both so much for what you give me!

---Red

Yes, it IS that hot.

There's been a lot of talk around here about our feelings, our struggles, our joint and individual journeys through this uncharted territory.

We haven't said much lately about the sex.

Come to think of it, I'm the only one who's ever mentioned sex on this blog, so maybe that tells you something about where my mind is ... and there's a danger in focusing on it, because it seems the world out there is mostly curious about that part of what a threesome is like. There's so much more to it, and I want to make sure that's clear.

But.

It is in fact totally, screamingly hot. Now, of course: there is a novelty factor. What happens in bed is inevitably new-and-different compared to what each of us was accustomed to before. We are all of an age starting with "4-", so we've been around the block a time or two. But usually with just one other person at a time.

Even then, there's so much to negotiate as you're getting to know another person naked. Do you try a new thing unannounced, or work up to it? If you're not really enjoying that thing the other person is doing, how do you make it clear without being a total buzzkill? Is it okay to laugh during super-hot moments? I mean really, the whole enterprise looks funny, sounds funny, smells funny. Now picture three people in the ring: there may be an audience to what any two are doing. This can be uncomfortable at first.

The recipe for success, apparently, is to assemble three people who are good, giving, and game (credit to Dan Savage for "GGG"). Individuals who have some skill (or more importantly, are perceptive and attentive to subtle feedback), who are generous (your pleasure is at least as important as mine), and who are open to trying new things (and not afraid to say "meh, that didn't really do it for me" if that happens).

So there we are. Two girls and a guy. Each of us really, really digs the others. There are lips and hands and legs and sighs and gasps and tongues and fingers and OMG there are more of all those things than can possibly be possible and ...

I can't write this post.

I thought I could breathe deep and get in there and describe the details ... but I can't. There aren't words. (Also it's a little scary, wondering if Red and Chloe would be horrified. I suppose I will run it by them.) Really, it's kind of shocking for my chatty self to discover I don't have the descriptors in my vocabulary to convey what it's like in that intense, heart-racing place we get to. But I don't.

Hmph. What do I do with that information?

The gentle tug of love.

The Trifecta has introduced many wonderful new feelings and experiences into my life, and a lot of painful, uncomfortable ones as well.  The litmus test at the beginning was whether or not anyone would run screaming from the room, but has been tempered since.  We have grown as a threesome and matured.  I feel like those initial fears (which seem so silly and childish in retrospect) are a distant memory now, and have led us to the harsh reality that even little things, if left unaddressed, could lead to failure.

Revelation (this is roughly #52 of my Trifecta revelations)!  Lately when something bothers me (which normally brings out a fight or flight response), I have been feeling a gravitational pull towards Missy and Red.  I mean an actual tug, like they're letting me know it's ok to just STAY and FEEL.  They know that although I'm not running screaming from the room, there are a lot of distressing moments that really do bother me, and while they can't always fix things, or even fully understand what I'm feeling, they want me with them.  These two beautiful people just want to be there for me.

I hope to someday deserve all of this...

Call me the Village Idiot...

So let's review...we have mastered the Trifecta time-warp, where being together for months feels like we've been together for years, and the weekend arrives in half the time now that there are three of us.  We have conquered spacial relations roulette - the queen sized bed has actually expanded to accomodate us.  But have I learned anything?  No.  Apparently I am that person in the village who walks into telephone poles, expecting them to step out of the way.

Maybe I didn't have feelings before?  I used to be the person whose feelings were never hurt, who never cried, who never broke out into crazy-person laughter at inappropriate times.  Yeah, not so much anymore.  I am in this new and different relationship, and experiencing new and different emotions (130% of which are awesome, by the way), but still around every corner is something that has the potential to make me crumble or explode or...(insert embarassing/horrifying emotional reaction HERE).  And it still takes me by surprise like it's the first time...every time.  I should learn to expect it, but apparently I'm completely incapable.

Logically I expect to be a little less secure in our relationship because Red & Missy were here first...I'm the newbie, the third, the extra...and that doesn't bother me one bit.  But wow.  Put me at a party where only the hosts know about the Trifecta?  Ack.  Don't get me wrong - I had a great time, and I'm sure no one noticed anything strange in my laughter or speech or behavior.  The awkwardness was deafening to me though - yes, I believe that night I invented deafening awkwardness.  Am I being too touchy-feely with him (I mean, they all know he's married to her)?  Uh oh...I think I'm over-compensating and ignoring them completely now.  Geez, stop staring at her - I'm sure it's written all over your face!  Then later?  Tears.  I imagined everyone going home after the party and asking each other "who WAS that?"  "Did she come with them or was she alone?"  "Wait, HOW did she know them?"  Yup - call me undefined. 

Don't worry.  I'll survive.  I have the greatest support EVER in Missy & Red.  They take good care of me.  Time will pass as well, and things that feel strange now will begin to feel normal.  People will get to know us and people will get to know me.  I just hope I learn to stop walking into telephone poles before my face gets too messed up.