The Shortest Day

Today I am reflecting on how The Trifecta and other recent events have changed me. I'm a planner, which I think is a way to exercise control over one's life and the others in it. That is, if you go to the effort to make a plan for yourself and your family, then, in a way, you bind them to the plan. But being beneficent, my plans usually included ways to get my partners what I thought they needed as well.

Let me digress. I little over a year ago, my 15 year old daughter (I'll call her "Ripley" after one of her movie heroes) stopped going to school. She professed suicidal ideation. She had a plan and the means and thought about it alot. Since then, there's been much upheaval. Ripley has been through some psychiatric day programs and one residential. Her symptoms and medications have evolved--these days it's social anxiety that is keeping her out of regular school. She went from living with us 33% to half-time. Thanksgiving, with a house full of family, was almost intolerable for her. We've been in it for the long haul now for months. There's been quite a toll on me. I feel like a failure as a father. I feel like I did my best, but I failed. I had thought, up to summer of 2012, that my girls were smart and pretty and on paths to successful happy lives. Now I simply hope Ripley will be alive next year, in five years. My older daughter's grades have suffered as well and she'll be off to community college in the fall. I wonder if she will want to see me after she leaves.

So yeah, plans. Make plans and the universe laughs at you. To adapt to Trifecta life, I had to loosen up on the planning and my own expectations on how my plans would turn out. I had to let go of disappointment if things didn't go as I planned, as there were now more variables that could affect plans. Then Ripley went south, and my soul became a twisted tortured lump. I became a burden.

Somehow, The Trifecta has survived the year. I have apologized to Missy and Chloe more than a few times this year. I started The Trifecta, but if I had an inkling what would come with Ripley, I would not have. I love them both too much to willingly bring them into such a rough situation.

When Ripley came to live at our house 50% time, I told her about The Trifecta, and asked her if she wanted to change her mind about living with me more. She didn't hesitate. She says The Trifecta is a cool secret, and for nine months now she has kept it secret from her mother and her sister. Once in a while I ask her if the secret is a burden, if we should go ahead and tell her mom and sis. The last time I asked, she said that her mom wouldn't understand, it would just create conflict we don't need right now, and that telling her sister would be equivalent to telling her mother. Ripley and Chloe in particular spend a lot of time together these days, and they are very sweet together. Ripley and Missy have always gotten along very well.

So today, on the shortest day, let me thank them. Let me thank Missy and Chloe for standing by me through these most difficult of times. Is a threesome a more fragile relationship than a couple? I suppose the math says so, as any one of three people could leave to break it up, rather than two. But I have to say, there seems to be something about being a team, rather than a two, that brings some extra cohesion. When we three are on the same page and working toward the same goals, it feels bigger than it did when I was in a couple, it feels like we can do more, and more quickly. Or, as has been the case a bit more often this year, I have sat out, and let Missy and Chloe do the heavy lifting on their own. And they have done so much for me. I am so grateful. Without Chloe and Missy, I could not have been able to help Ripley as well as I have. I could not have been able to keep my head on straight at work as well as I have. I would not have been able to return from the darkness as much as I have. Thank you, thank you guys so much, I love you so. I am a different man than the one who started down this polyamorous road. A better man, because of these two great women. Thank you.