Reflection.

I have been reflecting back on the holidays, and considering how different they were than last year.

The funniest thing is that I was wrong (of course) when I thought I knew what to expect, and that things would be easier this year than last.  It's funny to me because I always try to remember that things hardly ever turn out as planned and oftentimes turn out differently than I could've ever imagined. I still somehow get lazy and fall back into the same pattern of thinking "oh, we've got this."  I never learn.

Some things are a given...yes, we will still need to hide this from the kids, yes, we will still need to behave in public (even in places where we THINK we are among open-minded people), yes, we will still have to struggle daily with living separately and the lack of time we have alone together, etcetera.  But life always has new and surprising ways of complicating matters at the most unexpected times.

Missy took her mom to lunch one day recently, which somehow turned into her coming out about the Trifecta.  I sincerely felt like vomiting.  I had to sit down - my heart was racing and I felt physically ill.  When is the last time you felt like that?  My belly was better after the explanation and description of how it went down, and what her mom thought about it.  Still, I didn't fully recover until sometime that evening.

At some point before Christmas, when relatives were visiting and the kids were decorating the tree at Missy & Red's house, one of the kids (an in-law) apparently saw something intimate (yet tame) go down between Red and I, and she then talked to Red's kids about it and Missy's sister - complicated.  On one hand, I do realize that we sometimes get sloppy about keeping up appearances, and we shouldn't let things like that happen.  On the other hand, I was really ticked off that because of one kid (who we hardly ever see), the goodness of our evening was erased.  It took the good memories away and turned them ugly and shameful.  Incidents like these are always discussed and worked out as much as they can be, but they remain on an ever-growing list of blame - whose fault was it that this "thing" happened, and when will the nasty, hateful list be brought up again...

Thank goodness there are always (sometimes daily) funny, ridiculous, sweet, loving, happy, sensual things that make those other things so much less bad. 

So upon reflection, the holidays were really no easier or more comfortable for me than the first time we were together for them, but I suppose I'll still keep the memories.  And maybe next year I'll remember to expect the unexpected...or take more Valium.