TIME OUT.

*fweeeeeet* goes the referee's whistle.

Enough with the stress-from-every-direction. I hereby call a moratorium on nonsense generated by parents, children, former spouses, employers, co-workers, insurance companies, mobile phone providers, people who crash into your car, electricians, attorneys, software tech support, and people who park in your designated space.

Seriously.

As previously noted, it's great to have more than one person to lean on in your relationship. But really that's only helpful if everyone is taking turns having a rough day. Unfortunately, the Trifecta makes for a bigger target for misfortune than a two-way does. So if two or (heaven forbid) three people are suffering? Yeesh.

Okay, just making note of this regrettable corollary. Now I will wipe the gatorade off my face and lumber back onto the field.

The green eyed monster.

"They" say that jealousy is one of the biggest issues in a polyamorous relationship.

I am not a jealous person by nature. I've never been wild about the idea of any of my long-term partners stepping out on me, but I don't tend to be suspicious, and I never got mad if Red flirted with other women in social settings. He has always had lunch dates with various women he knew through work or from before we got together, and would tell me all about them. Actually, that's how this whole Chloe connection started. Lunch.

So over lunch yesterday, as the three of us munched on tortilla chips (which Chloe salted as soon as the basket arrived on the table, without tasting them first, because that's what she always does -- God love her), Red alluded to the fact that I sometimes get jealous in the Trifecta. I acknowledged it. They wanted to know more. (Remember my objection to rectangular restaurant tables? This time, I was solo on one side, and it was actually perfect, to be looking at them both at once so they could see my eyes.) Was it when Red would kiss or hug Chloe out in public? No. Maybe on the couple of occasions when they'd gotten home before me and had a roll in the hay without me? Not that either. It's not about percentage of time, nor about my work often making me the last one to arrive at happy hour.

It's that certain boundaries, rules, habits and assumptions on Red's part have changed since Chloe came along. Most of these changes are, in my view, for the better. So what's the problem? It's that when one of these is something I had lobbied for before, and he had held his position, but the barrier fell in an instant when it was something Chloe wanted, I felt slighted. What, this thing was off-limits then, but now it's acceptable? Because he wants to make her happy?

Let me be clear: Red treats me well, and he always has. From the very beginning, more than a decade ago, he has made me feel like I'm important, like I matter. He listens to me. He takes my feelings and ideas seriously. And each of us has molded our selves to the other: he never used to drink single malt whiskey, and now he delights in a glass (and can tell you which corner of Scotland it comes from). I could not have cared less about baseball before, but I ended up craving season tickets and watching most of the rest of the games on TV (and can often tell you the first baseman's batting average on the spot).

So it's not like I have any good reason to feel put out. This is normal. This is how New Relationship Energy affects people. It's just ... when it's me, when it's my existing partner who is suddenly listening to different music and making different vacation decisions and eating extra-salty chips ... I have gotten indignant here and there. None of this is Chloe's doing. It's not like she's the Arbiter Of Soundtrack And Outdoor Activities -- these are all things Red has spontaneously evolved on. And as he has gently pointed out to me, I have been evolving on Chloe's behalf also. So, okay. There we are. No reason for jealousy.

Doesn't matter.

There it is. I can be scared of it, or angry about it, or sad that things aren't the same as they were when it was just Red and me. Or, I can pause for a moment, and notice: this day is suffused with love. Affection. Relaxed laughter. Last night was superlative.

Don't it make my green eyes blue?

Insight.

If I ever find myself upset over, confused by, or concerned about Missy or Red, I am lucky enough to have the other to confide in.

I am new, and they are not.  They know each other like a hand knows a glove.  At times (i.e., when I'm feeling sorry for myself) it's a lonely place to be...but I am discovering that I am in an overwhelmingly unique and covetous position when it comes to insight.

I have learned that many of my concerns over either Red or Missy (their ups and downs, their likes or dislikes, their worries and woes) can usually be quickly and easily explained by the other.  I now understand how fortunate I am in that respect.

No one knows ME like that.

I recognize that the two of them are at a distinct disadvantage for that very reason.

Neither of them has any sort of road map or instruction manual to help them understand ME (of course I think I'm the easiest person in the world to understand...which makes it true, right?)!  My moods are new, my insights (or lack thereof) are unusual, my ups and downs are unpredictable and probably irrational to them.  In that respect, I am a mystery.

I'm not sure what any of it means - I only wanted to make note of it. I will continue to endeavor to be the most transparent and honest, loving and giving, open and devoted partner possible so that I can be an effective third axis of the Trifecta. 

Maybe someday I will be known.  Maybe someday one of them will be able to explain me to the other...or to MYSELF, for that matter.  Please let that happen.

I stand corrected.

(Though I will point out that this is American Greetings, not Hallmark. Still -- good job, Red.)

Stupid Hallmark.

Not one of their cards is appropriate for this occasion.

Long ago we came up with the idea of starting a line of greeting-cards for people in unconventional situations like ours. Now, more than ever, is when we'd be raking in the dough. (Chloe, by the way, is an amazing fount of business ideas for untapped niche markets.)

Of course, Hallmark also doesn't make cards that convey other sentiments that would be useful right now: "Bummer about all the work you're going to have to do this week. I love you and will make it worth your while!" Or, "When you have a low-grade fever and would rather be anywhere but the office, remember you are loved." How about: "There's nothing a lame ex-spouse can throw at you that can't be deflected by a martini!" Or maybe: "Tax time is just another good reason for happy hour!"

But, I'll manage without a pre-boughten card, and just tell both my Valentines: I am enormously grateful for you, and my love and desire and affection and joy have no bounds.

One day.

One day I will wear a ring that is matched by one on Chloe's finger.

(Remember I said I wished I could decorate each of my loves discreetly? I did that at Christmas, actually. No one has commented on how Chloe's necklace and my earrings and Red's keychain are of the same design. Probably no one has noticed. Maybe my sister, but now that I've come out to her, she probably just hasn't bothered to mention it. You'd have to be paying attention, and be fairly close to my ears, to put three and three together. We have fantasized about getting rings, though, that would be unmistakably identical, fashioned after the one Red wears now. At the office this would be enormously awkward. But somewhere down the road it will happen, regardless.)

One day I will take both of them with me to every "spouse-included" event I attend.

(Back when we were almost brand-new, I took them both to a reunion -- thousands of miles away, where barely anyone still knew me well, and they hadn't ever met Red, so me bringing both my husband and my best friend didn't really raise any eyebrows. But I want it to be the norm, for me to show up with plus-two instead of plus-one; if it's a doctor setting where that simply isn't acceptable, I will decline. So far I'm still feeling the pressure to be "normal", because doctors in this community Just Don't Do That. But sometime in our future, I will eliminate the occasions to leave Chloe behind.)

One day I will be fearless.

(Because the fear of losing the Trifecta will outweigh the fear of disapproval. Or, more positively, the strength of the Trifecta will overcome any risk I perceive. Although Red's position is fairly high-up, and his workplace is a pretty conservative one, he's probably safe professionally, even if we were to be discovered. But until his children are out of the nest, discovery could provoke a legal and emotional catastrophe. Meanwhile, as long as Chloe and I work together, neither of us can afford discovery. Happily, she is likely to find a better situation sooner or later, and that pressure will ease. Still, though, people just don't want to think of an authority figure -- which I am to some degree, even though I don't want to be -- as someone THIS unconventional. But somewhere in the time to come, I will cease to care.)

One day I will arrange my work and my life such that we are comfortable, and when all this discretion is no longer needed, I will show my love so vividly, you'll have to stand back and gape. Watch me.

...on coming out.

As I sit here writing a long-overdue thank you card to Red's mom & dad for their holiday hospitality, it occurs to me how cathartic "coming out" really is.

People expect heterosexuals.  People have even come to expect homosexuals.  People do NOT expect...this.

There are so many difficult conversations in life, but I would've never predicted just how difficult this one would be.  I tried so many times to tell my mom about the Trifecta, to no avail.  I have considered tackling it with my daughter (who, at almost 19 years old, is certainly at least capable of understanding), but the right time has never presented itself.  Then I admittedly took the coward's way out by having "the talk" with my favorite Aunt via email.   Email!

Red had the talk with his mom on the phone pro-actively in advance of their Thanksgiving visit, and Missy (brave soul) told her sister over dinner?  Wow.  Each time one of us comes out to someone, it feels like a small victory for our team.  It draws us out from the cold, dark shadows into the buttery-warm glow of the sunshine.  It lends some sort of reality to the silly fantasy that has somehow evolved into this LIFE we share together.

Each time someone new knows, I feel like an elephant-sized weight has been lifted from my chest - like I can breathe again, when I never realized my breathing was restricted to begin with.

It makes me marvel at how incredibly liberating it will feel when there is no pretending, no acting, no hiding...