V is for Vertex

Long long ago, in a Trifecta newly born, it felt to me like we were in a mostly-constant state of emotional triangle, and sexual mostly-V. With Red at the vertex. Not that this is news to any faithful reader -- back in the early posts, we observed how there were three relationships, no wait actually FOUR, and the bonds were very strong on each axis of the triangle, etc. ... and at the same time how Chloe and I were just starting to learn about how to be intimate. We still feel kind of like newbies (each of us more or less so at different times), but we're waaaaay more comfortable with the girl-girl lovin' than we used to be.

Over time, I realized that the emotional triangle varies a LOT.

Any two of us might feel closer to each other than the third does to either, and the distance might get prettttty long between any two points. And then shorten up, all of a sudden. Hard to predict. Sometimes, it feels downright equilateral.

Meanwhile the sex -- which has, under the strain of family illness as previously mentioned, been way way way down in frequency -- has been looking more V-like. I dunno whether those two things are related, but there they are. A nice piece is, any jealousy about who does what / with whom / when has pretty much evaporated. So I don't mind at all if Red and Chloe get it on when I'm not around, or when I'm asleep (OK maybe I'm mildly perturbed if it's preventing me from sleeping when I want to, but sometimes I actually don't wake up). This seems to be true all round. Sometimes we find ourselves in what was originally the default scenario, where two people are doin' stuff and the third gets credited with an assist. But mostly, these days, it's Chloe-and-Red or Chloe-and-me. Look at that! Chloe has become the vertex.

I'm still turned on by Red (and him by me, as far as I can tell). And though times are tough in other arenas, I don't feel any less emotionally close to him. Just ... the emotions and the bodies sometimes configure independently. And that feels just fine to me.

BRING IT ON

I second Chloe's emotion: the holidays are MUCH less dread-inducing this third year ... you'd think, after the second go-round was even worse than the first, that we'd be squinching our eyes shut and bracing for the worst. But things have changed.

We're out of the closet to about fifty times more people than we used to be.

All of us have gotten more comfortable with two people splitting off for a little while, and doing different things. He watches football while we go to a lesbian bar. They go to the gym while I visit my mom. That sort of thing.

We've acquired some new hobbies we all like to do together: hiking, for one. We did a little of that before, but now it's A Thing.

There is more open conflict than there used to be -- no more hanging back, for fear that it might be fatal; now we plow right into a fight. Sometimes it's two-on-one. Often it's just between two and the third person has to choose whether to speak up for one or the other, or try hard to stay neutral, or just evacuate the premises. On the one hand, it's scarier than with just two people, because there's the risk of feeling ganged-up-on. On the other hand, if you're feeling wounded by one, you can turn to the other for comfort, even if they don't back your position. Just a long hug and a good cry can do wonders. (Not to mention the age-old practice of Sexual Conflict Resolution.)

I've had a pretty crappy week. Have not been the best of company. But we're about to run off for a major adventure, dragging four teenagers with us and expecting to have an epic time, and I'm as jazzed as I just about ever get. I love these two people so much. So very much. When I give thanks, this is what I'm talking about.

Pass the gravy!

Still here...

I have been reminded recently that we haven't kept the blog up very well this year...  We have been distracted with work and family, and frankly have settled in to day to day living in a way that just doesn't have enough drama to be posting about as often!

So what has been going on with us?  We've been trying to figure out (for a LONG time) how we can live together without coming out to the two younger kids (their mom is the ex-wife and a big meanie).  I'm not happy in my apartment, but still need to house my daughter, who is a full-time college student.  She was against living with us at the beginning, saying "it would just be too weird, mom," but has since spent enough time in family situations with us (and hates the apartment enough now) that she has become more comfortable with the idea.  The Trifecta has one bed, so in order not to be out with the two younger kids (who are there every other weekend and every Wednesday), I would need my own bedroom.  They each have their own room and my daughter would need her own room...sheesh...that's a five-bedroom house.  The coordination required to find a big house to rent, finding a renter for Missy & Red's three-bedroom house, at the same time the lease runs out on my apartment?  Nearly impossible, and prohibitively expensive.  It is a work in progress.

We enjoyed the first season of "Married and Dating" - the Showtime television series.  Our relationship is not like any on the show, but I appreciate that it's exposing people to the poly lifestyle.  We have been more active in trying to meet other families like ours (to share ideas and commiserate), and are meeting with a group in a couple of weeks - I'll have to update you on how that goes.

What else?  Missy and I attended the Pride Parade & Festival a few months ago - that's always fun.  My daughter was the designated driver for the event, and Missy gave her $20's along the way as hush money, which was brilliant!  "Here's a twenty for not telling anyone how silly we're being...here's a twenty for not laughing at us until you're out of earshot...here's a twenty for pretending we aren't drinking/dancing/giggling too much...here's a twenty to forget our silliness IMMEDIATELY...and here's a final twenty for not reminding us tomorrow of how silly we've been acting today (because we probably won't remember)!"  We also went to a local, smaller Pride Festival a few days ago and enjoyed it very much.  We were introduced to several organizations that will help us volunteer our time for and spend our money at businesses that value equality.   Every little bit helps - maybe someday I will be able to get health benefits and have a wedding and not need hide who I am to people.

Missy's "Year and a Day" sweetness was wonderful.  I have no idea what Red thinks of it, because he only has two feelings (he said it, not me), but it has made things feel more tangible and lasting in my mind.  I can't explain how, but it's nice to have something other than an open ended "we're together" type of relationship.  My feelings about commitment have become rather battered over bad relationships & divorces, and I have become jaded against something that has ALWAYS led to disappointment in my life.  But this feels different.  I'm hoping that in that "different-ness" I will find something that actually works for me and feels great along the way.

In closing, my sincere hope is that people reading our blog are able to see through the drama and (sometimes) bad writing, and will have a sense of our true feelings - feelings that this relationship is a good and lasting one, worth the trouble it causes, and worth the extra work it takes to nourish it.

A Year And A Day

Oh I'm sorry, did everyone think we packed up our marbles and went home?

Nope. Time has elapsed at a puzzling rate, and anyway we've mostly been too busy to write. There have been exciting developments: I stopped being scared! (That the Trifecta would end with either a bang or a whimper, that is. I'm still scared of big hairy spiders.) But seriously, dispensing with fear has been a big relief for me.

In fact it allowed me to take us all one little step further into the future we dream of.

Early last month, Chloe and Red and I were enjoying our longest-ever stretch in our Desert Getaway spot. FOUR nights and days in which to sweat away the botherments of the city! Three visits to our favorite bar! And in the end, two rings.

The epic-ness of our trip became clear at the very beginning: we arrived in town just after the departure of a huge, freakish summer storm. It had dumped inches of water in the course of an hour, and littered the streets with gigantic palm branches. Our hotel's elevators and fitness center were flooded. ("Damn," said Chloe to the desk clerk who wore the cleverest bolo tie I've ever seen. "For the first time, we actually brought our workout clothes!" He could see we were both relieved.)

I had spent most of a week nervously shopping for jewelry for each of us, which I've done before. I got us all sorta-matching trinity knot items our first Christmas (a necklace for her, earrings for me, a keychain for him). For our first anniversary, triple-birthstone rings for all of us. Red's ring fell apart though, so then I got trinity bands for him and Chloe (that way them two had a pair of matching rings, and Chloe and I had a pair of matching rings, and Red and I already had our wedding rings from five years earlier). I kind of liked that asymmetry: the three different sets of two rings really reflected, I thought, the fact that there isn't just one relationship that each of us experiences identically. Now we had just passed our SECOND anniversary (who knew! actually possible!), and I was ready to take things to another level. Especially since the silver trinkets were starting to look worn out.

But there were two problems. One, the sweet little handfasting ceremony I had in mind, for us to promise things to each other? Got scooped by the people on Showtime's "Polyamory: Married and Dating". CURSE THEM. I will let others speak about just how much those people are Not Like Us (keywords: open vs. closed), but let it be said that I did not want to evoke THAT in my escalation.

The second problem still baffles me. How can Chloe and I be so bonded, so close, so intimately interwined with each other body and soul ... and yet I still have *no* idea what jewelry she would like?! For days I moped around jewelry shops and online sites, wretchedly failing to identify anything that I thought would please us both. Then I gave up and just tried to find rings I thought Chloe would like, and eventually I just concluded I should let go of the idea of surprise: let her pick a ring her own self. Red, I wasn't sure if he'd even want a ring, considering how I was going to play this.

So I plotted for an opportune moment. Should I take us all to a place we've never been, one of the rugged and lovely outdoor locales the area is famous for? The 103-degree heat was a deterrent. Perhaps an old favorite haunt? More romantic in the dark? But the public places seemed too ... public. In the end, I settled on "by the pool, first thing of the last morning". It was quiet, pretty, and we had reached relaxation-equilibrium. I stated my case, and each of them seemed sweetly charmed.

It goes like this: long ago in pre-Christian Ireland and Scotland, there was a variety of types of marriage one could enter into. (If you're a scholar of this already, just grant me some license here -- I realize my description is cartoonish, but the medieval-European-history-minor in me is slave to the hopeless romantic in me.) One of the "contracts" was intended to last for a year and a day; at the end of that time, the spouses could choose to commit more permanently, or go their ways freely. I proposed to Red and Chloe this: since I love you both beyond words, and since it's not realistic to make a marriage-style commitment before we have a plausible plan for moving in together, and that goal is at least six to twelve months away; how about we promise each other that we will stay together -- come hell or high water, sorrow, joy, other flirtations, angry moments, weariness, doubts or worries -- for a year and a day. How about that? Chloe said "Yes." Red said, "That's a no-brainer". I said "Let's go jewelry shopping!"

So the last thing we did before leaving Beloved Desert Getaway was to pick out two completely different rings: I could not have even approached guessing right about what Chloe would want, and was tickled with what she did choose. Mine is completely different, and I love it. Red preferred not to have another ring, neither to increase his total nor to replace one of his existing ones. (A couple of weeks later we got him some new hiking boots, approximately equal in value to each of our rings. This struck me as perfect.)

Of course, I should have known they'd both say yes. Just a week before, Red put a $6 bet on a Trifecta at the biggest race of the year, having asked me and Chloe what horses we liked. We won! We won big! We're still winning. We've won love.

Unhappy mess.

I am an unhappy mess. 

Lately I hate hanging out at Missy and Red’s house when there are normal everyday family things going on, because it makes me feel even more like an outsider than usual (and I usually feel a LOT like an outsider).  I am the elephant in the corner that everyone is afraid to mention.  I imagine their kids are wondering what the heck I am doing there all the time.  It doesn’t help that I practically have to sit on my hands in order to not hug or kiss someone off-handedly, or say something that would blow our cover – which makes me want to be there even less.   Missy and Red are the step-mom and the dad…I am…the Chloe.  I have no role, and it makes me sad.  I don't belong.  No, I don’t want Red to tell them about us – even if he actually WANTED to, his ex-wife is a raging…meanie. She would figure out how to take the kids away or get more money or do something else to make his life a living Hell.

Also, I have been worrying lately about what they say about decision making (whoever "they" are).  You know…that thing about how we keep making the same mistakes over and over again without realizing it?  I have had two ten-year marriages that didn’t work out.  I must be making a mistake. Clearly I can’t be making the SAME mistake this time, but am I making some version of a mistake that I’ve made in the past?  How would I even know what that mistake was?   While Missy and Red are in the Trifecta, their marriage is continuing, their family is stable, their retirement accounts are growing...  Meanwhile, at least to the outside world (which is unbelievably difficult to ignore), it appears as though my life is at a standstill.  I am a middle-aged mother living with a college student in an apartment with paper-thin walls.  I drive a used car that requires constant maintenance, I have a job with no future (or insurance or retirement fund), and I don’t date.  It appears as though I hang out a lot with a married couple who can’t seem to get rid of me.  If the Trifecta doesn’t last, I will be in worse shape than before, because I will be all that...and older.  

Man, am I being a big baby about all of this?

I’ll be the bad guy and admit that the honeymoon seems to be over…

I am reminded that this blog isn’t about just the happy and good times, but the challenges as well. There’s no use hiding the not-so-pretty parts. And in hiding them, we’d only be doing everyone and each other an injustice by making it appear to be all rainbows and sunshine.

I can only speak for myself of course, but this is the longest stretch of nitty-gritty reality that I have felt to date in the Trifecta. There was a while not long ago that these times were fleeting, or at least predictably temporary. This stretch feels never-ending. Work has been challenging , tension and emotions have been in the red zone, money is tight, schedules are hectic, vehicles are breaking down right and left, and the weather and families have been less than cooperative. Isn’t that just the perfect storm.

Lately I have felt burned out on LIFE. All of it. Sleep, peace, and quiet are foremost in my thoughts. I feel like a day or two (or five?) of not speaking or listening or looking anyone in the eye would do me some good. The dishes and laundry can pile up and I won’t feel bad. The TV can stay off in lieu of a mindless novel that I probably won’t remember five minutes after I’m done reading it. I have hardly noticed the stereo being off in my car during my daily commute. THAT is how tired I am of sensory input. Maybe that’s it – I just need a break from my own senses.

Posting my concerns will bring them out in the open (although I think the funk I'm in is obvious to anyone who knows me) and will probably worry Red and Missy. I maintain, however, that times like these will force a relationship thrive or fail. We should not panic or waste too much energy over-analyzing. This time was destined to come, and I think our relationship could potentially crash (or at least fizzle out) without us knowing whether or not we are capable of surviving less-than-happy days. I am not afraid of what is happening, I don't feel like running away, I don't see it as the end of anything - just a time to sit back and live in it, and see what happens at the other end.

I have a selfish streak. I swear I am usually a kind, giving, caring human being. I love others and am perfectly able to maintain long-term relationships. For the most part, I think I get along well with people and enjoy their quirkiness and differences. Sometimes though, if I begin to feel crummy enough, I will not care what other people think. I will not care about anyone or anything other than myself and my problems, no matter how insignificant they seem to other people (hence the selfishness). Caring for ME becomes my top priority. Anything or anyone who tries to help will probably fray my nerves even further, and make me more irritable. Leaving me alone during these times is probably best for everyone.

Understanding this about myself (I feel) is an accomplishment. Explaining it to my partner in a relationship seems like my responsibility. Attempting to help not one, but TWO people understand this and be o.k. with it has been difficult. Needing to be alone sometimes is not me running away from the Trifecta. It's not me hiding from my emotions. In fact, I see it as retreating to my corner to deal with my issues in my own time and way, without inflicting my mood on anyone else.

Missy and Red will have either similar or different ways of dealing with the end of the honeymoon (or maybe they already have, and I handled it beautifully? haha). I will do my best to understand and respect their needs as we move forward into whatever new phase happens to present itself... Conquering the end of the honeymoon should be celebrated! It means we are all returning to our normal selves and getting back to baseline, and are still all doing just fine. This is normal. It is good.

p.s. - searching Google for a "Three-person honeymoon" picture - I found THIS...   If that ain't foreboding...haha

NOT for the faint of heart.

For a while now, I have been trying to identify a single thing (or even a list of things) that might be the unspeakable thing that makes the Trifecta impossible.  Everyone tells us it’s impossible – that we don’t stand a chance…shoot, we tell OURSELVES that a lot.  Some people even tell us of similar experiences they’ve had that have failed, and why.  I suppose it’s a defense mechanism of mine…solve the puzzle of what “the thing” is so that I can try to avoid it or prevent it or fix it before it explodes in my face.  This is not for everyone – it is not for the faint of heart.

Well I haven’t quite figured out “the thing” (what am I, a genius?!), but I have narrowed it down to something workable that feels so much less frightening than the deep, dark unknown. 

It turns out that "the thing" isn't a single thing at all, but EVERYTHING.  Everything that I have done, seen, felt, thought, planned for, envisioned, etc. in a traditional M/F relationship has been one way – the way that society taught me, the way that was modeled by my parents and relatives and the way I learned on my own while dating and being married.  I became accustomed to it – expecting certain things, feeling certain ways, it was my norm.  Relationships were two dimensional.  Everything in the Trifecta is so much more intense than what I have spent my whole life learning – it is not “a thing” about the Trifecta that makes it volatile or fragile, it is the intensity level of EVERY SINGLE THING!  We are definitely in 3-D now.  The highs are higher, lows are lower, anger is more harmful, hurt is more painful…it’s like my world is more saturated now.  It can be beautiful, but it can also be excruciating and just downright exhausting. 

I feel like I learned to swim in a heated pool and have accidentally fallen into the ocean.  The idea is the same – I can still swim, but the waves are HUGE!  People drown out here.  There are things here that I don’t even know the names of…that could eat me!

This is not for the faint of heart.  We must be strong.  We must be careful.  We must be ready for anything.  The odds of one person being able to handle such a thing on an ongoing basis seems improbable.  The odds of my accidentally stumbling upon not one, but TWO other people who can do the same, and who want to be with ME?  Please.  That number has a decimal point and a lot of zeros behind it.

What she said.

"Justice inclines her scales such that wisdom comes at the price of suffering." -Aeschylus

So, yeah, this wasn't a new sentiment by the time the Greeks wrote it down. Maybe Aeschylus had a drink with Confucius.

Anyway I'm with Chloe: this "gaining wisdom through pain" business is for the birds. To be fair, there is more than just pain lately: there have been some joyful moments, and as recently as two weeks ago we had most of a day-and-night of just us. But the last stretch of more than 24 hours when none of us was at work and no one else was with us -- a true Trifecta break -- was a month ago, and the interim has been difficult. Especially challenging is the vacation we're on now: in a remote cold place, in a small house with few rooms, with lots of family. Not much chance to get away, talk, process the new and old issues in our heads. Certainly no chance for sex. Not even more innocent intimacy. Red's parents are cool with our arrangement, but there are children present too, and they must be insulated absolutely. Not so young that clues would go over their heads, yet not old enough to understand, they are developmentally in a pretty black-and-white place. Confusion would be harmful. Plus, a vindictive other parent could make all of our lives hell. We have to be restrained, and we are. But it costs. Oh, it costs.

When I realized the other night just how crushing it was for Chloe to see an ordinary expression of affection between me and Red and to think she will never have that ... it killed me. On the one hand, of course that "never" is not true. Eventually this will change. Eventually all of our close family and friends will be in the loop, and if they can't handle it, they may choose to be less close. I will not purposely push anyone away. But I will not ask Chloe to live as a second-hand citizen in my intimate life. It is not fair -- okay, life is not fair, but it is not at all equitable -- to expect her to be the one who's always left out in the cold.

Cold, sometimes, can be just the thing, though:




Yesterday we took a walk in the woods in the snow, just to get outside and clear our heads and have a few minutes to ourselves. It was bracing. And restorative. We saw deer (it looked as though the buck was actually annoyed with the fawn ahead of him, like "hey, slow the heck down, can't you see there are people over there?!? Sheesh, teenagers.") We saw perfect round flat frozen mushrooms. We spent a moment, just a moment, kissing in the cradle of a creekbed. And we documented the occasion by photographing our feet. That's a Chloe thing.

I love her so much. Have I mentioned that? I love her, and us, so much.

Yes, dear reader, there is drama. We haven't even touched on all of it -- there is all manner of potential impropriety, anguished moments between me and Red when Chloe isn't there, ongoing getting-accustomed-to us girls' evolving sexual identity.

Most of all, there is fear of the uncertain. The fuzzy unclarity of what's to come. But here is where high school honors English comes in handy. The second half of the quote above goes as follows:

"But as for the future, that you shall know when it occurs; till then, leave it be -- it is just as someone weeping ahead of time. Clear it will come, together with the light of dawn." -Aeschylus

Hear that, universe? I'm ready and waiting.