What she said.

"Justice inclines her scales such that wisdom comes at the price of suffering." -Aeschylus

So, yeah, this wasn't a new sentiment by the time the Greeks wrote it down. Maybe Aeschylus had a drink with Confucius.

Anyway I'm with Chloe: this "gaining wisdom through pain" business is for the birds. To be fair, there is more than just pain lately: there have been some joyful moments, and as recently as two weeks ago we had most of a day-and-night of just us. But the last stretch of more than 24 hours when none of us was at work and no one else was with us -- a true Trifecta break -- was a month ago, and the interim has been difficult. Especially challenging is the vacation we're on now: in a remote cold place, in a small house with few rooms, with lots of family. Not much chance to get away, talk, process the new and old issues in our heads. Certainly no chance for sex. Not even more innocent intimacy. Red's parents are cool with our arrangement, but there are children present too, and they must be insulated absolutely. Not so young that clues would go over their heads, yet not old enough to understand, they are developmentally in a pretty black-and-white place. Confusion would be harmful. Plus, a vindictive other parent could make all of our lives hell. We have to be restrained, and we are. But it costs. Oh, it costs.

When I realized the other night just how crushing it was for Chloe to see an ordinary expression of affection between me and Red and to think she will never have that ... it killed me. On the one hand, of course that "never" is not true. Eventually this will change. Eventually all of our close family and friends will be in the loop, and if they can't handle it, they may choose to be less close. I will not purposely push anyone away. But I will not ask Chloe to live as a second-hand citizen in my intimate life. It is not fair -- okay, life is not fair, but it is not at all equitable -- to expect her to be the one who's always left out in the cold.

Cold, sometimes, can be just the thing, though:




Yesterday we took a walk in the woods in the snow, just to get outside and clear our heads and have a few minutes to ourselves. It was bracing. And restorative. We saw deer (it looked as though the buck was actually annoyed with the fawn ahead of him, like "hey, slow the heck down, can't you see there are people over there?!? Sheesh, teenagers.") We saw perfect round flat frozen mushrooms. We spent a moment, just a moment, kissing in the cradle of a creekbed. And we documented the occasion by photographing our feet. That's a Chloe thing.

I love her so much. Have I mentioned that? I love her, and us, so much.

Yes, dear reader, there is drama. We haven't even touched on all of it -- there is all manner of potential impropriety, anguished moments between me and Red when Chloe isn't there, ongoing getting-accustomed-to us girls' evolving sexual identity.

Most of all, there is fear of the uncertain. The fuzzy unclarity of what's to come. But here is where high school honors English comes in handy. The second half of the quote above goes as follows:

"But as for the future, that you shall know when it occurs; till then, leave it be -- it is just as someone weeping ahead of time. Clear it will come, together with the light of dawn." -Aeschylus

Hear that, universe? I'm ready and waiting.

Gaining wisdom the hard way...as usual.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.    -Confucius

I feel like I'm accidentally on my way to being the wisest person in the history of mankind.  I imagine there is an alarm somewhere in the universe that goes off when it senses I'm happy and comfortable for too long a stretch of time...at which point some new and different type of anguish is rudely injected into my life.


Don't get me wrong - I dislike people who sulk and complain and wait for others to cheer them up.  I know how ridiculously fortunate I am, and I also realize that I (and only I) have the power to change the things in my life that I don't like.  But every once in a while I'm blindsided.


Let the sulking and complaining commence.


Sadly, since I'm the third and Missy & Red are married, I will always be the one who (in public, at least) can't just walk up and hug either of them, or sit on the couch and snuggle up, or give a passing kiss on the way down the hall...  I'm an adult.  I have good judgement.  I appreciate the value of muddling through some less-than-perfect to get to the insanely awesome.  But in weaker moments when I need a little affection or attention or just to be able to say what's on my mind, I feel stuck out in the cold. 


No matter where we are or who we're around, Red & Missy never have to think twice about the affection they show one another.  To others, their behavior (good, bad, whatever) is always normal married people behavior.  But our friends, family and co-workers who know me only as their friend would absolutely FREAK OUT if I acted that way with either of them.  A hug that lasts a second too long, or too many hugs, or a hug for no particular reason would draw attention.  There is no hand holding or back rubbing or squeezing of a knee in my world unless we are alone or with people who know (although we do our fair share of pushing the limits). 


So I'm left mourning the loss of being in a "normal" relationship where nobody would think twice about seeing me walk up behind the person I love while they're doing the dishes and kiss the back of their neck or put my arms around them for a hug or an "I love you."  I can't call them "baby" or "sweetie" or use too much of that lovey-dovey tone of voice.  There shouldn't be too much giggly behavior or whispering or closeness and no hand-holding or butt-swatting, either.   What about when I need a more-than-just-friends kind of hug?  Nothing.


Who chooses THAT?  Me.


Well...at least I'm becoming wise, right?

Anyone? Bueller?

The reader may recall Red mentioning that we fell into this triad without planning to - yes, we considered the pros and cons of inviting Chloe to play before it happened, so no, it wasn't impulsive. But we had no idea it would turn into a Relationship.

(If anyone is interested in the details of how that initial kickoff happened, it's a pretty interesting story.*)

Since we are therefore new to the world of Alternative Lifestyles (heh), we have been looking around for other people's experiences. And yes, the links posted over there to the right have been interesting and helpful, as have various other tidbits online.

Of the couple of friends we've told, none have had anything quite like this experience in their lives. Some have had brief or even recurring three-way encounters which were rewarding and non-icky. But nothing that became so important, or so stable, as the Trifecta. Others have had an epic night here and there, when they were twenty, or drunk, or both. That doesn't apply to us either. Stories I read online are often about people who have more fluid, open relationships, with more characters entering and leaving the stage. Or they are written by people whose attempts at three-way love have failed, and left them miserable. That's not us, I hope.

In the parlance of the poly community, I guess we are a "closed triad". An equilateral triangle of love, and of sexual intimacy. (There are interesting* - rather subtle - asymmetries in the "having sex" department, but I'd say the sexual energy is pretty much evenly distributed.) None of us sees other people outside the triangle (good lord, how would one find the time, never mind the mental and emotional fuel??) ... and we anticipate being like this for the indefinite future. That puts us in an apparently tiny corner of the already-tiny polyamorous world. Not unique, by any means, but fairly rare.

So here's my point: we know there are people reading this blog. We are delighted to have one follower (hi!), and hope to have more. Not for fame or fortune, but because we're here to share. Meanwhile there's this cavernous echoing silence, us talking and presumably you listening, but lurking. I would be really interested to hear whether you've brushed up against any similar stories, either in your own lives or those of friends or family; I would be open to answering questions about our story as well.


*(But somebody has to ask.)